The Key to Victory
by Delicious Gears
Summary: So we all know the story of Ataru Moroboshi, right? How he managed to beat Lum at tag and save the Earth, right? And how he managed to get Lum engaged to him in the process? Well, what if it wasn't Ataru Moroboshi who faced Lum at that fateful day? What if it was someone else who won, and accidentally got themselves engaged to Lum? What if it was Ryuunosuke Fujinami?
1. It's No Game

**THE KEY TO VICTORY**

 **a story written by**

 **DELICIOUS GEARS**

* * *

 **EPISODE 01:** It's No Game

* * *

The massive man gazed up at the even more massive computer in the bowels of the flagship of the Oni Invasion Authority's main fleet. Even so, "massive" was a word that couldn't do justice to the absolute hugeness of the thing in front of him. It could take up the space of the average high school classroom and ask for seconds. And every part of it seemed to glow, or blink, or make various sounds.

It was the definition of the words "big and important". And because of that, it gave the somewhat small in comparison Oni a kind of comfort. There was the gnawing feeling that it might spit out the name of some moron to be champion of the small, populated planet below them. And some lame idiot to face off against his beloved daughter in her first Tag Game would be such a shameful thing.

But the Oni man still gripped the huge red knob that capped the huge golden lever in front of him with a fat hand capped with black claws, and pulled hard. He expected nothing less than the best of what this planet offered.

Almost instantly the machine whirred into life. The sounds of gears and engines churning and whirling inside the computer vibrated through the housing of the computer, making the teeth of everyone present shake. In front of them, three gargantuan tumblers whirled in front of him.

The Oni watched anxiously, as the tumbler on the left suddenly stopped with a reverberating clang. On the front, dead center, a number seven coloured red, trimmed in gold was shown.

A moment later, the second also stopped with a clang, also showing a number seven.

The Oni watched the last tumbler, his eyes burning as it slowed down gradually. The other symbols on the tumbler were visible as it slowed: a cherry, a tiger striped star, a black bar with BAR written on it, and one of the ugliest looking faces the Oni had ever seen: blad, wrinkled, impassive, but with eyes that seemed to be judging. He knew that if the tumbler stopped on that face, the result was practically a curse on his beloved daughter.

The Head Oni's heart froze as the tumbler slowed down with the ugly face on it, the eyes staring mockingly at him. He tried his best to glare back at it, even though he knew it was only a picture.

For a moment, it was almost sure that the thing was going to land on that ugly face. And then, in the blink of an eye, the tumbler suddenly jumped a space, to stop on one last red number seven.

Suddenly, the massive supercomputer metaphorically exploded into an orgy of bright flashing lights, like a discotheque was experiencing a manic episode. An obnoxious sounding fanfare exploded from the mainframe's speakers, reverberating throughout the chamber and almost blowing out the ears of everyone present. And then the computer vomited forth a sea of change onto the chamber floor, about two thousand ryou by the Head Oni's estimate (which probably would be enough for a nice Post-Invasion Celebration).

"The champion of Earth has been chosen!" A voice cried out, followed by cries of joy from the Oni gathered around the computer. "The Game is on!"

And all the Head Oni could do was hope that it just wasn't some random idiot.

Finally, the machine's light and music show died down. Holographic projectors rose out, and burst into life, sketching out a face for the Oni to see. It would be the face of the one who would face the Head Oni's daughter in her first Game to decide the ownership of planet Earth.

The face that was assembled, to the Head Oni's relief, showed some promise. It was the face of what looked like a random teenager, a boy with oddly androgynous beauty to his features. He had black hair that was somewhat short, but with a fringe that swept down to a single point on his forehead. The face had a defined look, a strong jaw without being chiselled, a proud looking snub of a nose. But the Head Oni noticed the eyes, the most steely, determined looking eyes he'd ever seen.

It was the face of somebody who was born a fighter.

Perfect.

"Let's see here…" A wizened general said, as he peered down at a printout of the details for the champion of Earth. "Our latest opponent is about sixteen years old. And he currently resides in the country named Japan, in a city named Kamogawa in Chiba prefecture." He pulled out the printout to read more. "His only known family is his father, and they've been known to wander from place to place in the vicinity of the country's capital."

"Businessmen?" The Oni said, his teeth curling back. "That doesn't sound like any fun to me."

"Not exactly…" The general replied. "These people apparently run a business on the local beach, but don't have much income to go by."

"So a salt of the earth type, then?" The Oni asked. "Sounds interesting. What's our champion's name, then?"

"Fujinami, sir." The general said. "Fujinami…"

* * *

"RYUUNOSUKE! GO NOW!"

Fujinami Ryuunosuke burst out into a dead sprint towards the receding tides, trying to keep up with her father as they both dashed into the breakwater. Once again, she had to follow her father in this stupid training session, that she could never really figure out the point of.

Sure, he was training her at all hours of the day, striving to import her the ability to carry on the "beloved" Hamachaya teashop that he owned. But that still didn't explain why they had to run in after the tide and yell insults at it.

"STUPID SEA!" They both bellowed out. "USELESS SEA!"

Then Ryuunosuke turned as the next wave rose upwards, surging forward towards them. She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, trying to keep ahead of the wave. She wouldn't dare turn her head to look behind her, not now. She can still remember the last time she did that during one of these exercises, and saw the wall of water looming just inches above her, before it dropped down on her head.

Instead, Ryuunosuke continued to sprint for the sands, almost feeling the lip of the wave hanging just above her head. As the dry sands came closer, Ryuunosuke leapt forwards like she was shot out from a cannon, clearing the wave just as it broke, and fell onto the sands behind her.

She slammed into the dry sands, the waves brushing the cracked soles of her feet. Once more, she had made it out relatively dry. She rose her head up and looked behind her, where she could see the prone body of her father floating amidst the waters. The sight made her smile somewhat; serves him right for making her do such stupid training. What kind of teashop owner try and taunt waves?

"Fujinami-kun?"

Ryuunosuke blinked, and turned her head back to see three men standing over her. Three rather large men, all dressed in formidable black suits and dark sunglasses, glaring down at her.

"Fujinami-kun," the suit in front of her said, "we need you to come with as soon as possible. This is a matter of the utmost urgency."

Ryuunosuke wanted to ask the man what kind of emergency, or maybe just what he was doing here and how did he know her name. Frankly, she had a lot of questions to ask, but her father had decided that would be the perfect moment to stomp on her back, squashing her against the sand.

"You worthless boy!" Her father said as he tried to grind Ryuunosuke into the sand. "How dare you leave your father behind like that!" Then he noticed the three men standing before them, and immediately changed his tune, putting a sickeningly ingratiating smile on his face. "Ah, welcome to our humble Hamachaya! What would you like?"

"We want to speak with your son," the man said stiffly. "It is a matter of the utmost urgency..."

"Oh, nonsense!" Mr. Fujinami suddenly said, cutting the man off. "You can't possibly have anything to do with my idiot son! He is a kind, and caring boy, he is just a little bit brain-damaged, that's all!"

"Of course we do," the man replied, "this is a matter of the utmost-"

Mr. Fujinami shoved him and his two compatriots backwards, towards the rickety shack sitting just behind them. "Of course you don't, you're here for some food and tea! I know your type! There is absolutely nothing that we cannot handle!" Then he turned towards Ryuunosuke. "Boy! Get on over to the Hamachaya! We have customers!"

Ryuunosuke groaned as she picked herself up once more. Trust her father to completely get the wrong idea and run off with it. And if anything goes wrong, she'll get the blame, as usual. He'll probably find something to blame her with, as usual.

Ryuunosuke rose up to her feet once more, brushing the sand from her shirt, and sprinted off towards the Hamachaya, as fast as her legs could carry her. Her father was taking the long way around, as a small mercy to her, allowing her to beat him to it, and clean the place up a little. It would've been pretty easy, considering they got pretty much no customers 'round this time.

Ryuunosuke quickly slipped into the Hamachaya, the floorboards creaking beneath her feet. But she stopped short a couple of steps from the entrance, when she saw the rather ominous looking figure sitting in the back of the teashop, silhouetted by the light coming in front the wooden slats behind him.

"So you must be Fujinami Ryuunosuke, huh?" A rather avuncular voice called out to her. "Pleased to meet you, kid!"

Ryuunosuke nervously approached the large man sitting at the table. Well, to call him large was an understatement: Ryuunosuke could tell that, even while he was sitting down, this man would probably be much taller and wider than most human beings can possibly be. The massive size would've been threatening by itself, but she could make out the man's features, with rather beady looking eyes, a large snub nose, and a wide grin with sharp fangs.

"My name's Invader, kid" The man said, presenting a business card to Ryuunosuke. "You already thinking that I might not be from around here?"

"The thought hadn't crossed my mind yet," Ryuunosuke said, turning the card around in her hand. The words were written in a script that definitely didn't look like anything she was familiar with. On the reverse side was a rather adorable drawing of the man in front of her, all chibi and cute looking. "Is that what most people tell you when you meet them?"

"Quite a few, actually," Invader replied.

Outside, Ryuunosuke could hear the voices of her father growing louder, as he tried his best to talk over the pleadings of the suits he was escorting with him. Ryuunosuke groaned, and stepped aside as her father all but dragged the man inside.

Mr. Fujinami strode inside, grinning from ear to ear. "Welcome to the Hamachaya! What would you like?"

"What we like is for your son to answer our challenge!" Invader bellowed, making Mr. Fujinami flinch and turn around. "I don't know what kind of game you're playing at right now, but I figure it's not half as important as the one we got here!"

Mr. Fujinami looked up at the man-mountain, his face rigid like stone. But even though his face showed no expression, Ryuunosuke could tell that the man was very intimidated. "What kind of game is it that you're planning, then?" He said, trying to hide the tremors in his voice, and not being entirely successful.

Invader just grinned. "Just a custom that our race likes to practice every once in a while." He pointed a single thick finger upwards. "Right now, we got about four of our super-carriers hanging up above this planet right now. Judging from our observing your radio and satellite transmissions, I figure we can take over this planet in about..." He hummed for a moment, counting off his fingers. "...six hours, give or take."

The suit that Mr. Fujinami dragged into the Hamachaya looked down at him. "This man met us just this morning, claiming all this. And he isn't kidding; we checked." He looked over at Ryuunosuke. "The only reason why they haven't attacked us yet is because they need you for some kind of challenge they need to go through."

Invader nodded, grinning widely. "One of us will play the Game of The Oni with you, boy. And if you win, we'll leave your planet in peace."

Ryuunosuke shrank back from the man-mountain. She was almost sure she was dreaming, or this was some elaborate prank that somebody, maybe her father, had dreamed up. This couldn't possibly be real!

"You gotta be shittin' me!" Ryuunosuke answered. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

The head suit collapsed forward onto his knees. "You have to believe us, young man!" He crouched down lower, his head practically resting against the wooden floor. "You have the entire fate of the human race in your hands!"

"He's right!" Mr. Fujinami shouted, pointing at Ryuunosuke. "How dare you refuse this calling, even before we can properly negotiate the movie and book rights?! How could you pass up such lucrative opportunities?!"

"I ain't letting myself be sold out," Ryuunosuke shouted, "not here, and not now! I don't care if my life depends on it, I'm not letting you sell me out again!" She quickly ducked a beer bottle being tossed at her head. "What, no rousing speech for that?"

Mr. Fujinami just snarled and tossed more beer bottles at Ryuunosuke. "You dare throw away a father's love like that?! You're a disgrace to the human race!"

Mr. Invader watched as Ryuunosuke dodged beer bottles being flung at her with no degree of interest. Already he was getting a good feeling about this one: strong, self-reliant, with a powerful instinct for survival. In the years before, Invader had heard from his fellow Oni, champions for the tag race were usually handpicked by computer using a number of physical and mental examinations. It was a perfect system, designed to keep the tag race interesting.

However, there had been too many uprisings from the vassal states, which prompted an examination on the champion selection process, which led to the now current random draw selection that the champions had now.

Invader, of course, disapproved of such a system for the invasion process. His worry was simple: randomly selecting a citizen would lead to some weakling or malcontent being selected as champion. That would lead to more competent people under occupation deciding to fight back, which would lead to more needless violence and deaths at the Onis' hands.

But Invader's hands were tied, as the rest of the invasion council ignored his warning, and went ahead with the invasion on schedule. But at least the newest Champion looked like a promising candidate to give his daughter some challenge on her first tag race.

Speaking of which, Invader thought to himself, as a soft tremor ran through the floorboards of the Hamachaya. "Well, well, well, it looks like your opponent has arrived, kid!"

Ryuunosuke would have asked what the large man had meant, but the soft tremor soon built up into a teeth-chattering roar that made the bottles and crockey rattle around.

For directly above the Hamachaya hung a massive starship, a massive wedge of metal and plasma, painted in yellow with black tiger-stripes across the hull. The other beachgoers quickly fled screaming from the massive ship, the repulsion thrusters pushing down on the sand and the waves, forcing them down into a massive crater centered directly on the Hamachaya.

Then suddenly, yellow light flashed from the underside of the ship, before arcing down, striking the Hamachaya directly, punching through the rickety roof and blowing all the walls out. Ryuunosuke threw her arms over her face as the concussive force shoved her backwards, and sending her father and the suits flying backwards.

Ryuunosuke blinked away the rainbow scorched across her eyes, rubbing them against her arm, before opening them to see... a girl, standing in the centre of the room. A girl that looked to be around her own age, maybe younger, with dark green hair that reached down behind her back, a pair of stubby little horns sprouting from the crown of her head. A girl wearing a yellow tiger-striped bikini and boots, and little else.

The girl smiled at Ryuunosuke brightly. "Sorry to keep you waiting! I'm Lum, your opponent!"

It took several minutes before Ryuunosuke realised that her jaw was hanging open. She clapped her hand over her mouth, trying to regain her composure, before turning to Invader. "This is still some kind of joke right? Are there hidden cameras around here or something?"

"Nope!" Invader was grinning from ear to ear. Ryuunosuke could see massive fangs jutting out from his mouth, to match the sharp looking horns rising up from his head. "If you tag my daughter's horns in the next ten days, Earth wins its freedom, and we'll leave your planet in peace. Simple as that." He rose from his seat, standing to what looked to be ten feet tall. "So, kid, what d'ya say?"

"Ryuunosuke accepts!" Mr. Fujinami said, somehow standing in front of Invader before he could blink. "Leave the defence of this fair planet to my son!"

Ryuunosuke's jaw dropped once more. Around her, a sudden phalanx of journalists, cameramen, reports and photographers surrounded her, dazzling her with flashing bulbs and barrages of questions. But all of that seemed to recede away, fading into the background, as the fate of the world came crashing down on her shoulders.

* * *

Eventually, the media firestorm receded, and Ryuunosuke was left standing stupidly in the wreckage of the Hamachaya. Lum sat at one of the tables still standing, while her father returned to his starship. Ryuunosuke's father had gone off to do... something, leaving both of them alone on the beach.

Slowly, Ryuunosuke turned to look at Lum, sat with her legs crossed at the knee, staring at the reddening horizon. And slowly, the realisation of everything that was happening hit her all at once.

"What the hell is going on?" Ryuunosuke asked slowly.

Lum blinked, and turned to look at Ryuunosuke. "Oh, nothing much. Your father's off somewhere, Daddy's helping prepare for the game tomorrow." She gave Ryuunosuke a smile. "I thought you were going to be like that for hours!"

Ryuunosuke walked numbly over to the table, and sat herself down opposite Lum. "Are we seriously going to do this? You and me?"

Lum blinked once more. "Of course! To be chosen to play the Oni Game is a great honour to us Oni! Even if we lose, our names are written down in inequity!"

"Don't you mean antiquity?" Ryuunosuke asked, her brow furrowing. "Besides, that doesn't even make any sense!"

"You should still be so honoured to face me!" Lum said, plucking out a can of cola from a nearby cooler. "You were randomly selected by our computers to be my opponent, to face me in glorious competition. Doesn't that move you in any way?"

Ryuunosuke ground her teeth in the face of Lum's unrelentingly chipper expression. "So there's a chance that I'm probably gonna get lynched if I lose!"

"Maybe," Lum said, "but to be honest, it's probably better than the life you've been leading up until now, from the looks of it."

Ryuunosuke glared at Lum. "When you put it like that, you have a point." She jabbed a finger at the Oni girl. "Alright then! I'll play along! I'll face you in this Oni Game, and I'm gonna win! It's either that, or die, right?"

Lum smiled at Ryuunosuke, brushing back her hair. "I should warn you, I'm not that easy to catch!"

Ryuunosuke's gaze hardened, a dangerous grin forming on her face. "That just makes it all the more interesting!"

* * *

There wasn't a cloud in the sky above Shibuya's scramble crossing on the day that the fateful game for the fate of Earth would begin. The city was teeming with people, kept off the roads only by the efforts of the JSDF, who were trying their best to keep the roads clear for the game to carry on. Every car in the Shibuya ward was directed elsewhere, turning the streets into a strange arena for the two youths standing in the middle of the scramble crossing.

On one side stood Ryuunosuke, wearing a blue tank top with black spandex shorts, and a pair of running shoes. On the front of her top, someone had printed a big blocky number "7" in red. She stretched out on the tarmac, trying to prepare herself for the game to start.

As she stretched, she kept a close eye on Lum, who was bouncing up and down a few metres away from her, dressed in her usual tiger-skin bikini and boots. It looked less like she was warming up, and more like she was dancing her way across the road, with not a care in the world, looking like she was floating with every step.

Ryuunosuke could only wish that she could be as blase about anything as Lum looked like she was at that moment. She didn't have to worry about her father pulling deals on her behind her back, or constantly lying to her all the time, or trying to beat the shit out of her on a regular basis. If she thought she was just going to sleepwalk her way to victory, then Ryuunosuke would make sure that she would have another thing coming.

"On your marks!"

Ryuunosuke approached the starting marks, trying to tune out the noise and fervour of the crowd as Lum hopped back up opposite her.

"Ready!"

The crack of the starting pistol could barely be heard over the crowd, their excitement reaching fever pitch.

Ryuunosuke burst forward, charging headlong towards Lum. She outstretched her arms, ready to grab at her, who was still standing there in the middle of the street, like she was...

...like she had some kind of trick up her sleeve...

Almost abruptly, Ryuunosuke tried to decelerate before she almost ran smack into Lum. Well, she would have, if Lum didn't suddenly spring into the air, soaring over her head. And then continued to rise upwards into an impossibly long arc, before gliding down to ground on her toes.

Ryuunosuke turned around to face Lum. "You didn't tell me you could fly, you alien bitch!"

Lum just started giggling. "You just didn't do your homework, boy!"

Ryuunosuke charged forwards once again, roaring as she sprinted headlong towards Lum. She knew that Lum would leap out of the way once again, but this time she would be ready.

Sure enough, Lum leapt over her head once more. But Ryuunosuke leapt upwards with her, bouncing off a signpost to try and grab her. But Lum rose too quick; she fluttered just out of her reach. Ryuunosuke ended up plummeting into a crowd of people, barely being caught and crowd surfed around.

Ryuunosuke squawked as she landed hard on the road once more, getting herself tangled in the rope being used for the police cordon. She growled as she untangled herself from the rope, gathering them around herself. Well, she didn't hear any rules against using foreign objects in this game...

Ryuunosuke ran back after Lum, tying a discarded traffic cone to her rope. To her relief, Lum seemed to still be within reach; maybe there was something in the Oni side of the rules keeping her from just flying high above the city, out of reach of anyone.

Ryuunosuke gathered some slack in her hands, and swung the cone around in a circle. Lum floated above her blissfully, apparently not realising just what she was planning. That was good enough for her, of course.

As Lum descended, she turned and noticed Ryuunosuke, finally. That was the cue for Ryuunosuke to toss the cone right at her.

The shot was true, the cone flying past Lum's shoulder, and dropping down behind her. Ryuunosuke grabbed the rope and yanked back as the cone fell, causing it to jerk around and wrap the rope around Lum's body, binding her arms together..

Got her! Ryuunosuke grinned as the crowds around her erupted. Now all she had to do was get up to Lum and tag her horns! She yanked Lum down as hard as she could, pulling her in like she was an unruly dog on a leash.

Above her, Lum struggled and jerked around, fighting Ryuunosuke every step of the way. "You're not getting me that easily!" But even as she fought, Ryuunosuke kept dragging her in, pulling her closer.

"I'm not gonna let you go!" Ryuunosuke snarled as she dragged Lum further down. Just a few more tugs, and she would be within reach! She would be able to win!

Lum suddenly whirled around, managing to untangle the rope from around her body. "Ha!" Ryuunosuke's eyes bugged out as she begun to slip out from inside the rope. In desperation, she launched herself forward, making a grab for the oni girl before she could fly off once more.

Ryuunosuke grabbed hold of Lum's bikini top just as Lum began to lift away, yanking her back down to earth. She looked up, just as Lum was giving her a glare that could curdle milk.

"Let go of my bikini!" Lum's foot slammed into the side of Ryuunosuke's face, sending her reeling backwards. She skidded across the floor, rolling to a stop. Around her, Ryuunosuke could hear the crowd reaching new heights of hysteria, but with her vision blurred from the impact of Lum's kick, she wasn't sure what they were cheering about.

When Ryuunosuke's senses finally returned, she raised herself up once more, expecting to see Lum somewhere over the horizon. She was somewhat surprised, however, when she saw Lum still standing in the middle of the road, her arms about her body, a terrified look on her face.

And then Ryuunosuke looked down, and found that she still had Lum's bikini top firmly held in her hand. Her stomach dropped out from under her as she realised that Lum was probably fully exposed, worldwide.

Ryuunosuke looked back up at Lum, and her blood froze as she noticed the savage look on her face. And that she was looking directly at her.

"Gimme that back! That's my only outfit!"

And now Lum launched herself at Ryuunosuke, much faster than she expected. She barely had the chance to roll out the way, and sprint out of Lum's reach. This was a horrible irony: the hunter becoming the hunted! Even the crowd seemed to be laughing at the both of them, now.

"I said give me that back!" Lum shouted, the desperation in her voice coming through loud and clear. Even so, it didn't stop the crowd from laughing at her.

Ryuunosuke felt sicker than ever. Even Lum didn't deserve this kind of humiliation. She wanted to end this match now, before the whole thing got any worse.

The statue of Hachiko, on the front of Shibuya Rail Station stood out amongst the people and police. For some reason, the police managed to block the public from around the statue. That meant, as far as Ryuunosuke was concerned, it was fair game.

Ryuunosuke slowed her pace slightly, allowing Lum to draw in closer. She could tell, because of that odd sound she made growing louder as she flew in closer. But as Lum was getting closer, they were also getting closer to Hachiko.

Ryuunosuke sprinted forward, and leapt upwards, planting one foot on the head of Hachiko, before springing off backwards, right at Lum. The Oni girl barely had time to react before Ryuunosuke slammed into her, and caught her in a vicious bear hug.

Lum squealed in indignation as Ryuunosuke clung on for dear life, dangling from her from several feet off the ground. If she fell at the wrong time, she would probably risk a broken leg or two, at the best.

"Get her, Fujinami!" A voice in the crowd bellowed out. "Get that alien bitch good!" The crowd exploded into a roar as Ryuunosuke clung on, the ground slowly receding away from her.

The hard part was over. Now all she had to do was touch her horns.

Lum and Ryuunosuke twisted around in the air, as Lum tried to shake Ryuunosuke off her. But all she managed to do was get Ryuunosuke to hold on tighter, wrapping her legs about the other girl's thighs to keep herself on her.

"I said let me go, already!"

Lum twisted her body once more, and then suddenly dove through the air, slamming Ryuunosuke back first into the window of a building. It was an impact hard enough to create large spiderweb cracks in the glass. But all it did was knock the air out of Ryuunosuke, and cause her to tighten her grip on her.

"I'm not... letting... go!" Ryuunosuke gasped out, black dots swarming her vision, as she slowly dragged herself up along Lum's body. Lum could only squirm and scream as Ryuunosuke forced herself further up.

"No! Let me go!"

And the next moment Ryuunosuke knew, everything was pain. Lum's lightning wracked through her body and arced across the air, striking the building next to them. Glass shattered and exploded as the lightning hit it, electronics went dead, the people inside were sent flying as they got hit.

"I'm not letting go!" Ryuunosuke ground out, as she dragged herself further upwards. "I'm _NEVER_ letting go! I ain't _EVER_ gonna let you go!"

With one sudden motion, Ryuunosuke reached out and roughly grabbed Lum's horns.

The last thing Ryuunosuke heard before she fell into blackness was the roar of the crowds below. And the last thing she saw was Lum's face staring up at her, eyes wide and innocent, like nothing that happened in the past hour or so had even mattered.

It was the most beautiful face that Ryuunosuke had ever seen.

"Ryuunosuke? Ryuunosuke!"

The next thing Ryuunosuke knew, something struck her face so hard that her vision exploded into white light. That first impact was followed by several more, a barrage of slaps around her face like it was a ball of mochi.

" _RYUUNOSUKE!_ "

On instinct, Ryuunosuke swung out her fist as hard as she could. Satisfaction filled her as she felt it strike flesh, and whatever was grabbing hold of her had let go.

Then there was the feeling of her body landing hard against something soft.

And then Ryuunosuke opened her eyes to see Lum staring down at her.

"Darling...?"

Another face loomed into her vision: the face of Invader, Lum's father. "You sure got a lot of spunk in ya, kid! The way you walloped your old man like that!" He grinned even more widely. "That takes me back!"

"Darling!" Lum said happily. "You're awake!"

Ryuunosuke blinked as she raised herself up slightly in Lum's arms. " _Darling?_ What?" Confusion started to swirl in her as Lum wrapped her arms around her neck, pressing herself against Ryuunosuke's chest. Wait, did she not put her bikini top back on yet, or...

"You gave my girl a pretty good game back there, kid!" Invader went on, seemingly unaware of Ryuunosuke's confusion. "You're gonna make one hell of a match with her!"

"Match?" Ryuunosuke asked. "But didn't we already have one?"

Then her father's hand slapped her back like a meteor falling to earth. "He means a _wedding_ match, my boy! Those words you said to her when you were fighting for the Earth, they struck a chord deep within her! So she and her father came up to me with a proposal!" He clapped his hand tightly on Ryuunosuke's shoulder. "You and Lum are going to be married!"

Ryuunosuke blinked. She looked over at Lum and blinked. Blinked again. She hoped that any moment, she would wake up, and find herself in her ratty futon in the Hamachaya. Somewhere, anywhere, other than right here in Shibuya, right now.

"You gotta be shittin' me!" Ryuunosuke shouted, springing up to her feet. "I can't marry her!"

"Darling!" Lum said, leaping up to cling to her once more. "On my planet, marriage proposals are a sacred bond! I'm going to devote the rest of my life to you!"

"You can't do this to me!" Ryuunosuke shouted.

"I _can_!" Lum said, a dangerous tone to her voice. "'Cause if you try and cheat on me...!"

"That's not the problem! I'm A _WOM_ -AAARGH!"

Ryuunosuke jerked and screamed as several hundred volts of electricity ran through her, along with her father, who still was hanging on to her. Everyone around her was shocked into silence as the lightning flashed, leaving Ryuunosuke and her father blackened and smoking.

"You must be so happy right now, Darling!" Lum beamed as she cuddled close to Ryuunosuke's barely conscious body. "You're so sweet! We're going to be so happy together! I just know it!"

Somehow, Ryuunosuke couldn't quite see it Lum's way. At all.

* * *

 **to be continued**

* * *

 **NOTES** : I should probably explain what I'm doing right now.

Probably something like eight years ago, I wrote and published my first UY fanfic on . This was back when there was barely any UY fanfic on the net, at least to my limited perspective. I wanted to write something that I wanted to read, because I wasn't sure that there was anyone out there who would do it for me.

Now, eight years later, I look back on that story and I feel somewhat embarrassed by it. It feels like it's trying a little bit too hard to be funny and provocative, when in the end it didn't need to be either of those things. But considering that I occasionally get people who tell me that they love the story, I feel like I need to bring it back somehow, so this is my attempt at that. I'll probably add in the occasional chapter or two, every now and then.


	2. Just Another Manic Monday

**THE KEY TO VICTORY**

a story written by

 **DELICIOUS GEARS**

* * *

 **EPISODE 02** : Just Another Manic Monday

* * *

Like a lot of people that exist in this world, Miyake Shinobu hated Mondays. Though she was never as passionate in her hatred as her boyfriend was, every Monday morning routine felt like an exceptional slog to get through. She was glad when she finally managed to get her uniform on, and head out to school.

This Monday morning was no different. Even after all of the excitement and fear that came from that whole rigmarole over aliens invading, life somehow managed to return to its usual staid course practically overnight. Even her boyfriend Moroboshi Ataru, who she had to tie up with heavy rope to keep him from trying to get to Shibuya during the Tag Game, seemed to be much more agreeable now.

Which meant that Shinobu could at least look forward to another boring, run of the mill school day. Another day spent with her boyfriend, trying to rein in his more deviant compulsions. Another week of having to learn and study, so she could get into a decent university, get herself a good career.

Shinobu tried to squelch the errant thought in the back of her mind, that popped in ever since she first saw the alien spaceships descending over Japan: that maybe her life was boring and staid, and desperately needed to be livened up by any means necessary. That was a line of thinking that would most likely end in a horrible maiming, at best.

"Heads up!" A voice called out behind her. "Make way! Make way!"

Shinobu blinked, and turned to see a craggy-faced middle-aged man lugging a flat-bed cart behind him, carrying what looked like a large bundle of stuff under a massive cloth blanket, coloured blue with roaring ocean waves around the edges. Confused, she quickly stepped aside to let him run by, lugging his cart down the street.

Shinobu watched as the cart carried on down the road. She could see what looked to be a rather handsome young man sitting back on the back of the cart, flicking through a pamphlet. A young man with a face that looked very familiar to Shinobu.

Shinobu blinked, and dashed up to the back of the cart. "Excuse me!" She called out, jogging up behind, her eyes focused on the youth.

The boy looked up from his pamphlet, which Shinobu could now see was called _So You're Marrying A Princess From Outer Space: A Guide To Human/Alien Relationships_ , written by Derek Bacon. He nodded to Shinobu. "What d'ya want?"

Shinobu grabbed hold of the back of the cart, trying to keep pace. "You couldn't be the boy that was all over TV all of last week, are you? The boy who faced that Oni-girl in the Tag Game..."

The boy's gaze seemed to sharpen, as if he seemed to be readying himself for a fight. Shinobu blinked in surprise for a moment. "D-don't worry! I'm not looking to take advantage or anything! I just want to know what you're doing here!"

The boy stared at Shinobu for a long while, before relaxing against the cloth bundle. "Beats the hell outta me. Me and my old man, we've been carrying this cart for the past two days, give or take."

"Ryuunosuke!" The man yelled from the front. "You better be pushing the cart back there! It sure feels heavy here!"

"That's just cause you're gettin' older!" Ryuunosuke shouted back. Then he turned back to Shinobu. "So what d'ya wanna know?"

"Just what you might be doing here," Shinobu replied. "This is..."

Shinobu was suddenly cut off as the cart suddenly lurched backwards, causing Ryuunosuke to tumble off into Shinobu, followed by a whole bunch of furniture and boxes raining down on their heads. Shinobu squeaked as Ryuunosuke's face ended up being flattened against her chest.

For a moment, Shinobu couldn't believe what was happening. "G-get off me!" She squeaked. "Otherwise everyone here is going to get the wrong idea about you and me!"

Ryuunosuke's eyes bugged out as he realised where she was, and burst up out from the pile of stuff, leaving Shinobu still on the ground. He turned to face his father, face contorted with rage. "You old bastard! You tryin' to kill me or somethin'?!" Then he ducked as something flew past his head, his father's yelling distinct.

Shinobu crawled out from the wreckage as Ryuunosuke and his father started lobbing things at one another. As the fighting continued, several other students quickly sprinted on to school in order to avoid getting beaned with a stray heavy object. And as much as Shinobu was tempted to stay and watch, she knew she would probably prefer to go somewhere safer with them.

So Shinobu quickly scrambled away from the fight and sprinted to the gates of Tomobiki High School. She could already see her boyfriend waiting for her at the gates, a bored look on his face.

"Shinobu!" Ataru said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "What kept you?"

"I had a bit of a run in this morning," Shinobu explained, pushing Ataru off her. "But I managed to get here, and I don't expect that they're going to be following me here..." She turned to look back towards the gates...

...where she caught sight of the old man wheeling the cart into the schoolyard.

"Then again," Shinobu said wearily, as the man slowly approached the front of the school, "today seems to be proving me wrong quite a bit..."

"Well, it is a Monday after all," Ataru said. "I could never quite get the hang of them, myself."

The old man pointed towards Tomobiki High School with a single finger, his eyes burning. "Look, Ryuunosuke! Here is the tumultuous ocean that we now face!" He turned to face Ryuunosuke. "I expect to see you put your all into your studies, boy!"

"Yeah," Ryuunosuke replied. "I just wanna know one thing, though. When you filled in my application, what did you put in for me?"

Ryuunosuke's father blinked, staring down at his son like he was made out of wood. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" Ryuunosuke roared. "Which did you put in for me?!"

When he heard that question, the look on the face of Ryuunosuke's father turned into something that reminded Shinobu way too much of the kind of expression that she'd see on Ataru's face whenever a really pretty girl would walk by.

And it was enough for Ryuunosuke to turn red-faced with rage. "You piece of _shit_!" He burst forward into a screaming charge, ready to beat the hell out of his father, as the other students watched in a mixture of amusement and confusion.

Shinobu could only gape as Ryuunosuke launched into a wild frenzy, trying to beat up his father. Vicious swinging haymakers doled out, left and right. But even as hard and as fast Ryuunosuke tried, no one hit was landed. The old man seemed to float and dance away from those blows, as light and indifferent as a leaf on the wind.

In fact, Shinobu wasn't even sure that the old man was even aware he was dodging Ryuunosuke's blows, as he still had that same ridiculous expression on his face. For all intents and purposes, he seemed to be toying with the boy.

And then, suddenly, the man leapt into the air, far above everyone's head, arcing over to land on top of the bundle of luggage on the cart. And from Somewhere-Shinobu wasn't exactly sure where-the man pulled out a blue sailor uniform, fluttering in the wind.

"See this, Ryuunosuke?!" The old man called out. "This is the uniform that you're so desperate to wear, isn't it?"

Ryuunosuke's eyes widened as he caught sight of the blue uniform. "That's a sailor uniform... Where did you get that?"

"That doesn't matter in the least, boy!" Mr. Fujinami said. "What matters is this: if you want to wear this uniform, you're going to have to defeat me for the right! As long as I can draw a breath, you're going to have to attend school like the man you are supposed to be!"

Shinobu blinked in confusion. A boy... fighting to wear a girls' uniform? Fighting with his father, at that? She turned to look at Ryuunosuke once more, hoping for an answer. But now there seemed to be a gleam in his eye that was unmistakable.

"So if I defeat you," Ryuunosuke began slowly, "then I can wear that sailor uniform to school?"

Shinobu stepped forward. "What are you even talking about?! You can't wear that! That's a girl's uniform!"

Ryuunosuke just nodded. "Yeah, I know. Ever since I was a kid, I would watch all those girls passing by in their sailor uniforms, so happy and carefree..." The boy clenched a fist so hard that his whole arm started to shake. "All I ever wished was that I would be able to wear the same thing!" His gaze hardened as he stared his father down. "Come on, then! I'll take you on."

In one fluid motion, Ryuunosuke ripped off his shirt- _her_ shirt. Shinobu saw the large cloth bandage wrapped around her torso, binding down her breasts to make them look flat. And almost instantly, Shinobu understood exactly what was going on.

Unfortunately, Shinobu was so shocked by this discovery that she barely noticed the gasps and yells of surprise and excitement from the boys around her. And she managed to completely miss the enraptured stare of her boyfriend, the familiar lust-addled gaze that she grew to hate with all of her being, even as she mostly loved and appreciated the rest of him.

So when Ryuunosuke charged forwards, fist raised, ready to strike her father down, she didn't expect somebody to suddenly leap forwards and wrap himself around her body, weighing her down and knocking her off balance. Ataru had decided, right in the middle of this decisive battle, to try and latch himself to Ryuunosuke like a limpet. Which meant that Ryuunosuke found herself trying to fight Ataru off her body. Which also meant that Ryuunosuke didn't see her father delivering the savage kick to her face before it was way too late.

Shinobu watched in horror as Ryuunosuke flew through the air, like her father did, seeming to float in an arc before slamming back down to earth, flat on her face. She sprinted over to her side, kneeling down beside her. "Ryuunosuke-kun! Are you alright?!" She helped raise Ryuunosuke back up to her knees.

"Just as I thought, Ryuunosuke!" Her father cackled. "You're ten years too young to ever defeat me!"

Shinobu gazed at Ryuunosuke's face as her father gloated above them. It was completely slack, eyes wide, battered and bruised. She could see tears streaming down her cheeks. The sight of it broke Shinobu's heart into a million pieces.

Slowly, Shinobu rose to her feet, and turned around to face Mr. Fujinami. "What kind of father are you?" She stepped up to the old man, now glaring down at her. "What kind of man are you to make his daughter go through this?"

"What gives you the right to whine at me about how I should raise my son?" Mr Fujinami shot back. "My son should be strong enough to stand on his own two feet, to be able to withstand the stormy waves of the sea!" He prodded Shinobu on the cheek. "If a woman has to stand up for a man, that just makes him a weakling!"

Shinobu reached up and grabbed Mr. Fujinami's arm. "I'll make you regret saying that."

Mr. Fujinami scowled down at Shinobu. "Really? What'll you do?" He looked over at Ryuunosuke. "Ryuunosuke! Stop snivelling and act like a man!" Then he turned to leave...

Only for him to end up straining against Shinobu's grip. He looked back at Shinobu in confusion, before trying to walk away once more, yanking as hard as he possibly could. But he couldn't move even one step.

In fact, Shinobu only tightened her grip; tight enough that she could probably bruise his skin. She could see that his bronzed hand was already starting to turn a little red from the blood flow being restricted. "Where do you think you're going?!"

Now Mr. Fujinami was scrabbling for purchase, trying to crawl and struggle away from Shinobu's grip. His hand was probably starting to go numb by now. "Whatever black magic this is, woman, I want no part of it. Let me go, already!"

"Why?" Ataru asked, smirking as he came up behind Shinobu, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You're a big strong man, aren't you? Surely you could handle one defenceless little girl!"

Shinobu turned around to glare at Ataru, in such a way that made him shrink back in terror. "What's so funny? Don't you realise that if it wasn't for you, Ryuunosuke-kun might be wearing a sailor uniform by now?!"

Ataru's eyes bugged out as he realised what was coming. He stumbled backwards, trying to get away from his girlfriend before she could do anything to him that would be painful. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't quick enough to get out of Shinobu's range.

Shinobu swung the flailing Mr. Fujinami into Ataru like a human-shaped morning-star, smashing him headlong into a tree. To her satisfaction, Ataru slid down the bark to lay in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Then Shinobu swung Mr. Fujinami around her head several times, before lobbing him into the air, flying clear over the walls of the schoolyard. As the old man flew across the sky, Shinobu took a deep breath, and exhaled out all of her spent rage. She didn't know if it was enough to make up for Ryuunosuke losing her chance to wear a sailor uniform, but it sure felt good.

Shinobu turned to look at Ryuunosuke... Or rather, the spot where Ryuunosuke was before everything went off. The spot that was now empty. Panic filled her as she looked around the schoolyard, trying to find her new friend.

But Ryuunosuke was nowhere to be found.

* * *

Slowly, Ryuunosuke faded back into consciousness, the sight of a distant face drawing her out. After a moment, Ryuunosuke realised that the face belonged to Lum, her green hair waving in the distant wind.

Ryuunosuke blinked again, and the vision of Lum turned out to be news footage projected on a wall. Footage that she could instantly tell was taken from the Tag Game the week before. As the fog in her mind slowly lifted, her eyes scanned the room to see five figures surrounding her, gazing rapt at the video of Lum dancing through the sky.

Suddenly, a light snapped on, and Ryuunosuke shut her eyes as the light stung her eyes. When she opened them again, she could see the room better; massive grinding gears seemed to suggest that she was inside the school clock tower. And now she could see the five other people in better detail.

Four of them seemed to be students, with the uniform on and everything. One looked tall and lanky, with a dark curly pompadour; another was short and stout, about three thirds wide as he was tall; and then there was the little shrimpy kid that was just about tall enough to avoid being mistaken either for a child or officially classified as a dwarf.

"Gentlemen, this is all that has been made public of Lum-chan so far," the fourth student announced to his friends. He was almost as tall as the guy with the pompadour, but not quite, with a square face covered with large square-rimmed glasses.

"The beautiful Lum-chan has most unexpectedly and inexplicably fallen for that idiotic punk, Fujinami Ryuunosuke!" The boy in glasses went on. "After what happened last week, she has returned to her home planet in order to apply for an Alien Registration Permit!"

Ryuunosuke felt a stab of rage go through her. _Idiotic punk?! Who does this nerd think he is?!  
_  
"We, noble students who cannot endure our longing for Lum-chan, hereby announce the formation of the Committee to Return Lum-chan to Earth!" The glasses boy said, "To enact procedures to return our beloved back to our rightful place as soon as possible!"

As the other students cheered, the glasses kid turned around to stare down at Ryuunosuke. "In order to do that, let me introduce you to our key component to luring Lum-chan back!" He grinned, as the other three students crowded around her.

"Lum-chan's inexplicable fiancee, who has most fortunately come here to study at our school: Fujinami Ryuunosuke!"

A spotlight clicked on, bathing Ryuunosuke in bright light. Around her, the students applauded, as if she was the guest of honour at some event. If the guest of honour had to be bound in chains to be brought in, of course.

Ryuunosuke tugged at the chains, attached to the rafters above her head. "Is this supposed to convince me to help you guys? If so, you're not doing any good!"

"Quiet!" The glasses-wearing kid said sharply. "We don't care what it takes, as long as Lum-chan returns to us!"

"And what if she totally blows you off?!" Ryuunosuke said, rising up to her feet. "Don't think you've thought of that one, have ya?!"

"I said _QUIET_!" The boy shouted. "If you're not planning on cooperating now, then maybe our friend from the Tomobiki High Torture Research Society will change your mind!"

As the glasses spoke, the fifth person stepped forward. He didn't look like a student at all; he looked more like a pro wrestler, or some kind of villain from a kid's superhero TV show. The fact that he was wearing a dark leotard, and a black cape with purple lining and a high neck didn't do anything to counter that.

"You seriously think you can even lay your hands on me?" Ryuunosuke asked. "You guys are even dumber than I thought!"

"That's enough!" The boy said angrily. "We'll make you see things our way! Sadoyama-kun, get her!"

The man-mountain grinned as he slowly advanced on Ryuunosuke, pulling out a leather flail from inside his cape. He didn't seem to notice as Ryuunosuke wound the chains around her arms, hidden behind her back.

But Sadoyama soon noticed Ryuunosuke leaping upwards, and catching his head tightly between her rock-hard thighs. The large man struggled and tried to pull himself away from Ryuunosuke, but she only tightened her grip. Then Ryuunosuke yanked herself backwards, lifting Sadoyama off his feet, flipping him over and pile-driving him head-first into the wooden floor.

The other four students gaped in horror as the impact shook them, and tore the chains from the rafters. As Ryuunosuke rose back onto her feet, they quickly huddled behind their bespectacled leader within seconds.

"What a joke," Ryuunosuke said, bringing up the chain in her hands. "Lum-chan was a better challenge than this guy. She could fly all over the place, and shoot lightning from her fingers. And even then, I defeated her in just over an hour!" She glared at the four schoolboys, her eyes full of fire. "I've been fighting for my life ever since I was born! My old man made me work all day, every day, even during the winter months! He would beat the crap out of me if I said one thing wrong!"

Ryuunosuke stepped forward, clenching her fists around the metal chains. "And you four losers thought you could bully me?!"

The bespectacled kid pasted on a smile. "Now now, we don't like violence! We're quite willing to negotiate with you if you bring Lum back!" He stepped forward, hands clasped together in a friendly gesture. "We can give you all the answers to the exams and help you pass with flying colours! We can save you a pot of curry for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays! We can even help introduce you to the loveliest girls at Busumetsu High School...!"

"So now you want to bribe me?!" Ryuunosuke countered. "You guys make me sick!" She tried to take another step forward, but a hand grabbed her chain and yanked her back down to the floor. Before she could even move, a foot stomped down on the back of her head and pressed hard.

"Quiet, you moronic boy!" Mr. Fujinami bellowed. "I'm not letting you reject an offer like this!" He turned to look at the four students. "Now then, what was it that you boys wanted?"

* * *

Outside, Shinobu and Ataru raced up the stairs of the school, headed straight for the clock tower. After checking almost every classroom around the school, all that was left was the very top of the clock tower, the usual haunt for some of the more unsavoury students at Tomobiki.

Shinobu shoved open the trapdoor, glancing around the room. "Definitely looks like there's been some shenanigans here!"

"Shenanigans?" Ataru asked as he peered in beside her. "These must've been some real crazy shenanigans to break the floorboards like that!"

"No time to argue!" Shinobu said as she climbed inside. "We need to save Ryuunosuke from those maniacs! There's no telling what they might be doing with a girl like her in their clutches!"

* * *

Of course, what they were doing with Ryuunosuke was hanging her from the face of the clock tower like a _teruteru bouzu_ , her arms bound in rope. Below her, those four boys, her father, and Sadoyama were doing some kind of weird dance, hand in hand, chanting "Ventura, Ventura, Space People" in a hypnotic chant.

Ryuunosuke couldn't help but think that the entire thing was somewhat stupid. But then again, she was the one who was hanging from the face of the clock tower.

But as she dangled from the clock tower, Ryuunosuke really did wish that Lum would come down and rescue her from this. Lum didn't really seem that bad as a person, as far as she knew. And an princess from outer space probably would help her get her old man off her back. She probably would help her out of this stupid situation, because she couldn't imagine her seeing her Darling being trussed up and used as bait!

A loud crack below Ryuunosuke derailed her thoughts, and she looked down to see Shinobu and Ataru burst out into the balcony below, the remains of the door collapsing to the ground. "Ryuunosuke-kun!"

"HOW DARE YOU, WOMAN!" Mr. Fujinami let go of the circle, and dashed over to Shinobu. "How dare you interrupt my son's reunion with his fiancee! What kind of woman are you?!"

"What's so special about Lum?!" Shinobu shouted. "Just because she's so pretty, and curvy, and is always prancing around in that skimpy bikini, doesn't mean that she is worth acting like an idiot for!"

Ataru, however, was grinning from ear to ear. "Now wait a second here, Shinobu! Let's hear this old fart out!"

Shinobu was about to whirl around and deliver a blistering rebuke to Ataru, if everything wasn't halted by an earsplitting crack of thunder.

On cue, everyone looked up towards the sky, where what was once just a mildly cloudy day suddenly seemed to change. The clouds darkened and gathered together, swirling above Tomobiki High into a massive black spiral, illuminated with flashes of lightning.

"It must be working!" Megane shouted as the cloud spiral grew. He looked down among his fellow students. "Come on, men! Put your back into it!" The boys started dancing once more, rejoined by Mr. Fujinami and Sadoyama, moving faster now, their motions more feverish. Their chant grew faster and louder, as the spiral grew in size.

Eventually, the cloud spiral seemed to bulge downwards, before a large flying saucer burst out, swooping down to loom over Tomobiki High.

"We did it!" Megane crowed triumphantly. But a moment later, the jubilation faded from his face as he actually looked at the saucer. "Wait a moment, that doesn't look anything like Lum's UFO!"

Megane was right: this saucer was shaped like Lum's, but had a dark blue top side, with a off-white underside, a large funnel engine on the back, and a triangular window on the front. As it descended lower, the saucer seemed sinister, framed by the spiral of the dark clouds.

"Wait, you didn't think that there'd be anyone else who'd hear that?!" Ataru said. "Wow, Ryuu-chan was right! You guys _are_ dumb!"

The bottom of the flying saucer opened out, and a beam of brilliant light shone down on the clock tower. Before anyone could react, they found themselves lifted up into the air, slowly drawn inside the belly of the saucer.

Everyone was ultimately dumped in the back of a massive chamber, landing in a tangled pile of humanity on the floor. There was a moment of panic as they all tried to untangle themselves from each other, trying to sort themselves out before they could get a good look at the chamber they were trapped in.

At the other end of the chamber sat what was most likely the UFO's cockpit, where the red window looked out to the Earth beyond, above a massive console of various buttons, screens and levers. And there, sat in a massive chair that seemed to dwarf it, there was a strange diminutive blob creature, who looked like he was the same shade as a wad of minty chewing gum. And for some reason, it looked like it was wearing a bus driver's cap, a shirt collar and tie.

The blob looked over at the pile of people, and grinned widely.

The four boys, Sadoyama and Ataru quickly skittered backwards, pressing up against the back of the chamber. They quivered in far as the blob grinned at them.

"It's an alien!"

"Of course it is, genius!"

"What is it gonna do to us?!"

"It might take us to their home planet and dissect us or something!"

Ryuunosuke squirmed out from behind the cluster of fearful people, flopping down onto the floor in front of them. Shinobu toppled out beside her, trying to get her breath back. When she looked up to see the strange blob creature, she swallowed hard, and looked over at Ryuunosuke.

"Maybe he's friendly? Ryuunosuke-kun, try and talk to him!"

Ryuunosuke looked back at Shinobu, before standing up fully, looking over at the blob-creature. "So, uh, what's up?"

The blob-creature grinned at Ryuunosuke. "Where ya headed, kid?" he asked, in perfect Japanese.

Ryuunosuke blinked in confusion. "What?"

"Where ya headed? Where d'ya wanna go?"

Ryuunosuke looked at everyone else, still confused. "Is this some kind of bus service or somethin'?"

Mr. Fujinami's head burst out from amongst the group. "Wait, does that mean you can take us to Lum-chan?!"

Almost immediately after the name left his mouth, the blob creature suddenly found themself surrounded by a whole bunch of lust-crazed boys. "You serious? You can take us to Lum-chan?!" Megane said. "You gotta take us to her, right away!"

"Lum of the Oni?" The blob-creature asked, scratching their head under their cap. "Sure, I'll take you to her!" They turned their chair around, and grabbed the controls. "Hang on tight!"

They grabbed the gearstick and cranked into overdrive, the UFO suddenly lurching forwards as it shot out into the atmosphere. Everyone found themselves pressed against the back of the chamber once more, with crushing force.

The saucer careened out into the stars, rising upwards at incredible speeds, before the driver switched gears further and the saucer shuddered once more. Then the universe outside seemed to melt away into blinding light, stars and planets rushing past them faster and faster.

And then, all of a sudden, the saucer ground to a sudden halt, launching everyone forward to slam against the front of the chamber, Ryuunonsuke slamming into the back of the driver's cockpit chair. And then, as if to add more injury to injury, the bottom of the saucer opened once more, dumping everyone out onto a field of long pink grass.

Ryuunosuke clawed herself out from the bottom of the pile of humanity, emerging out to see a vista before her that she had never seen before: huge rolling hills of pink and pastel yellow, white trees with blue leaves, and a bright yellow sky. In the distance, Ryuunosuke could see an arrangement of domes of various sizes, stretching out into the horizon.

Ryuunosuke stared in silence, her brain unable to reconcile what she was seeing with what she had seen only a few minutes ago.

"Hey!" A voice called out behind her. "Hey kid! I need you to pay my fare!"

Ryuunosuke stared at the driver in confusion. "Fare? What d'ya mean, your fare?"

"What, you don't think I would ferry your butts from Earth to Oniboshi for free?" The blob-creature asked. "No self-respecting member of the Space Taxi Union would do that!"

Ryuunosuke just kept staring. "Space Taxi?"

The blob-creature nodded. "Usually I wouldn't be landing on a backwater planet like that, but I heard you guys calling out on the telepathic wavelength so loud, I had to come over to pick you up!" They stepped forward, her eyes narrowing. "Now are ya gonna pay or not?"

Ryuunosuke swallowed hard, looking back at the rest of the passengers, all as lost as she was. "Well, I guess we have no choice..." She looked back at the driver. "Uh, how much is it, anyway?"

The driver pulled out what looked like a pocket calculator, poking and prodding at the buttons for a moment. "Well, lessee... Accounting for taking the hyperspace express route and the amount of passengers, fuel tax..." The calculator chimed a happy tune. "Comes out to about sixty-nine MegaCredits."

There was silence for a moment.

"Uh," Ryuunosuke asked nervously. "How much is that in Earth Yen? Or Dollars?"

The driver's grin widened.

* * *

Meanwhile, just over the hill that the Space Taxi hovered over, Lum laid on her belly in bed in her family home. She flicked through her Oni-language copy of So You're Marrying A Princess From Outer Space: A Guide to Human/Alien Relationships by Derek Bacon with one hand, while occasionally popping an Atomic BonBon into her mouth. She wanted to prepare herself while her Alien Registration Permit was being processed for verification, before she could make her return to Earth, and the arms of her Darling.

In the days since the end of her very first Tag Game, Lum had found herself not only an Earth-wide sensation, but she had also managed to land herself a husband, too! Her father was walking on air ever since, quite literally. And her mother couldn't be happier, already making plans and dates for prospective weddings. Even though her new fiancée didn't come from a planet that was in the Oni Genetic Authority's Short-List for Acceptable Breeding, they all knew that Tag Champions like her could bend the rules just a little bit, especially if the person in question adequately proved themselves during the Game itself.

But that wasn't the part that concerned Lum at that moment. Instead, what she was pondering was how to entice her new fiance into accepting the engagement. After all, a good majority of the femme-attracted portion of the Earth race seemed to want to take her poor Darling's place; it probably wouldn't take much for her to convince her Darling to desire her too. But for now, she would play it safe, even though there could be some space for a little chastisement, if her Darling tried to resist.

Lum's thoughts were promptly derailed when the entire house was rocked by what sounded like the collective profane scream of a large crowd of people all at the same time, through a microphone rigged up to a set of massive speakers. She toppled over onto the floor, landing hard on her bottom.

Lum peered out of her bedroom window, towards the direction of the noise. For a moment, she thought she could hear her Darling's voice in that cacophonous chorus, but it might've been a trick of her ears. But even then...

Lum shoved open her bedroom window, and flew out into the fields outside. She wanted to know what was going on!

* * *

"This is way out of line, boogie-boy!" The driver struggled beneath the pile of rocks, sticks and other assorted geologic phenomena of Oniboshi, provided courtesy of his angry group of accidental travellers. "Just because none of you could afford the fare don't mean you could bludgeon me like this!"

"You think anybody here could afford a fare like that?!" Ryuunosuke said angrily. "I don't even have two hundred-yen coins to knock together!"

Shinobu nodded. "All I got is forty thousand yen, and I'm saving it for a date with Ataru-kun!"

"I just spent my year's saving on that Lum-chan film-reel!" Megane wailed. "I don't want to die like this, owing our home planet to some Shmoo!"

"Maybe ya should've thought of that before you decided to stone me!" The driver snarled. "When my boys hear about this, they're gonna take the planet for themselves! And we ain't gonna treat it as good as the Oni did!"

"Not if we stop you first...!" Ryuunosuke began, only for her father's hand to grab her by the collar of her shirt and toss her into a tree.

"Be quiet, boy!" Mr. Fujinami bellowed. "It's obvious you're not going anywhere with this!" He brushed off the front of his shirt. "Seems like your father has to come in and sort everything out, as usual!"

Ataru and the Lum-otaku foursome surrounded Mr. Fujinami almost instantly. "You got an angle to get us out of this?!"

Meanwhile, Shinobu went over to peel Ryuunosuke off the side of tree. "Are you alright, Ryuunosuke-kun?" She quickly moved to support Ryuunosuke with her body. "I think maybe you should let your father help right now."

Ryuunosuke blinked, raising her head slightly. "Is that really a good idea?"

Shinobu sighed deeply. "I don't know... But I think it's better than just random violence."

Mr. Fujinami grinned from ear to ear as he stepped over to the driver. "Don't worry about those other people. In fact, you can have our planet Earth, since we won't be needing it any more!"

Everyone else promptly toppled over.

"My son is getting married to a girl from here," Mr. Fujinami went on, "so we would want to stay here from now on. As for everyone else, well, you can do what you like! Consider it as payment for the fare of getting here!"

The driver blinked for a moment. "Really?"

Mr. Fujinami's face turned serious. "The word of the Fujinami family is sacred! For the sake of preserving the Fujinami line, I am prepared to sacrifice everything!"

The driver's face darkened. "That's just gonna knock nine MegaCredits from your debt, you know that?" He struggled to rise up from beneath the pile of junk. "Where are you gonna get the other sixty?

Mr. Fujinami stared at the driver in silence, obviously unable to answer the question.

Shinobu rose to her feet, and charged over to Mr. Fujinami, her face turning red and her fists clenched into shaking balls of rage. "I've just about had enough of you, you..." She squeaked as the man suddenly whirled around and grabbed her by the shoulders, before thrusting her in front of the driver.

"Here!" Mr. Fujinami shouted. "Here is this girl, as a willing partner to have at your convenience!"

Ataru, after spending several minutes trying to get to his feet again, promptly face-planted into the dirt once more.

The driver stared at Shinobu's purpling face, before glaring at Mr. Fujinami. "Something tells me that you ain't playing with a full-deck here! You better stop playin' around and cough up that fare, or otherwise you're gonna be in deep trouble!"

It was at that very moment that Lum descended down to ground, her green hair fluttering behind her. As she noticed Ryuunosuke, she immediately starting waving happily.

"Daaaahh-liiiiing!"

Before Ryuunosuke could react, Lum swooped down to her and scooped her up in her arms, hugging her tightly with an additional mild electric current. Around her, the four Lum-otaku and Ataru surrounded her, calling her name in joy and relief. Shinobu quickly squirmed out of Mr. Fujinami's grip, and dashed over to Ataru's side.

Ryuunosuke snarled and wriggled her way out of Lum's electric grip. "Stop doing that, Lum! Are you really trying to kill me with those electric shocks?!" She staggered back from the Oni-girl, still twitching as residual sparks ran through her body. "I've already been beaten and humiliated enough for today!"

Lum blinked at Ryuunosuke. "Oh Darling, nobody I know complains about my lightning..."

"That's because everyone you know is an Oni!" Shinobu replied. "We're just Earthlings, and that's something completely different!"

"It's okay," Lum said, touching down on the grass. "I'm sure that maybe we could build up your resistance over time!"

"Well that's all well and good," Ataru said quickly, "but if we don't hurry, Ryuu-chan's dad is gonna sell our home planet to pay for our cab fare!"

Lum turned to stare at Ataru, her eyes widening. Shinobu clung herself tightly against Ataru's arm, while Ryuunosuke just stared at Lum. For a long moment, she was completely silent, long enough for Ataru to become slightly uncomfortable.

And then she shouted, "You **WHAT**?!"

The outburst was loud enough that Mr. Fujinami turned around and pranced over. "Ah, Lum-chan! You've finally arrived!" He grabbed Lum's hand roughly, his grin back on his face. "It's a pleasure to meet you on this auspicious day! We've come here to arrange a wedding arrangement for you!"

"I'm _already_ engaged, you dope!" Ryuunosuke shouted. "We don't need an arrangement!"

"Well, that's fine," Lum said shakily, "but you don't need to take a Space Taxi here to see me. I was going to go straight to Earth once I received my Alien Registration Permit!" She quickly turned to the driver. "Don't worry, we'll handle all of the fare! You don't need to buy the Earth or anything! I just want to live with my Darling in peace!"

The driver just grinned at Lum once more. "Pleasure doin' business with ya, miss!"

Ryuunosuke's jaw worked for a moment as she looked at Lum. Then she quickly dashed up to her, grabbing her by the shoulders.. "Listen, Lum! You've got this all wrong!" She took a deep breath, puffing her chest out. "I gotta level with ya! We can't get married!"

Lum blinked at Ryuunosuke. "Whatever are you talking about, Darling? Why can't we get married?"

Ryuunosuke motioned to herself. "Well, for one thing, this ain't how I would like to dress!"

Lum blinked again. "That doesn't matter!"

Ryuunosuke paused, wracking her brains for another excuse. "I don't have an honest job! How am I supposed to support you by working in a shack on the beach?!"

Lum just smiled. "Don't worry, I'm sure Daddy could help provide you with a decent career!"

"I have a criminal record!" Ryuunosuke said quickly, "my old man and me have been stealing from other shops on the beach!"

"That's a lie!" Mr. Fujinami said angrily, pointing at Ryuunosuke. "They were requisitioned from less-deserving people!"

Lum just smiled softly. "I forgive you!"

Desperation entered Ryuunosuke's voice. "I can't ever give you children!"

"I'm sure we can adopt some!" Lum replied.

"You just don't understand, Lum!" Ryuunosuke tore open her shirt, revealing her breasts bound in white cloth. "I'm A _WOMAN_!"

Everyone was silent as Lum stared at Ryuunosuke, and her partly exposed chest, with eyes wide open. The silence dragged out, as all eyes turned to Lum, waiting for her reaction.

After what felt like an age, Lum's expression turned happy. "Well, nobody's perfect!"

Ryuunosuke's jaw dropped, and she sank down to her knees. Lum just smiled and swooped down to wrap her arms around Ryuunosuke's shoulders, and kiss her lips with another added electric charge.

Mr. Fujinami watched Lum and Ryuunosuke kiss with twin streams of tears rolling down his cheeks. "Today is the day you've finally become a man, Ryuunosuke! You've made your father a happy man for the rest of his life!"

Seconds later, he was beaten black and blue by everyone else, and left face down on the grass of Onishuto.

* * *

"We've got two new students in our class today! Let's give 'em a warm welcome!"

Ryuunosuke stared down at the floor of the classroom in front of her. She could feel the intense stares of her new classmates on her as she stood there. Because of the machinations of the old bastard, she had to wear the standard gakuran uniform of Tomobiki High School, instead of the sailor uniform that she yearned for.

Ryuunosuke looked up, staring out into space. "How's it going?" She could hear some of the girls in the class gasp and sigh with happiness as they looked at her.

Beside her stood Lum, wearing the standard Tomobiki High sailor uniform. She had a bright and happy smile on her face, and it was obvious to Ryuunosuke that she was resisting with all her might the urge to cling to her like a teddy bear.

"Pleased to meet you!" Lum said. "I'm Lum, of the planet Oniboshi! Ah, and this is my fiancee, Fujinami Ryuunosuke! I'm hoping that we can get married in June, because so many Earthlings say it's a good month for weddings!" Her smile only grew wider. "Please take care of us!"

Ryuunosuke looked over at Lum's smiling face, as she heard the boys of the class cheer her name. She seemed so happy to be here, to have a girl like her for a fiance, to be the focus of so much attention.

Ryuunosuke knew that Lum would probably be trying everything she could to make this engagement work. Ryuunosuke now knew that Lum wouldn't quit on her, short of the sky falling in on their heads.

So now, Ryuunosuke had to figure out how to get out of this situation, or at least get through it, with her life and sanity intact…

It sure seemed like a tall order to take. But there was no order too tall for Fujinami Ryuunosuke to deliver.

* * *

 **to be continued**


	3. Ride The Tiger

**THE KEY TO VICTORY**

a story written by

 **DELICIOUS GEARS**

* * *

 **EPISODE 03** : Ride The Tiger

* * *

It had been a long week for Ryuunosuke.

Scratch that, make it a long lifetime.

And it was about to get much longer.

"Darling!" Lum smiled at Ryuunosuke from around... whatever the hell was bubbling in that large stock pot. She had said that it was tonight's dinner, but Ryuunosuke wasn't sure that curries looked like something that had oozed from the depths of a volcano. It was black, which normally wouldn't be unusual, but this was more of a reddish black than anything else.

"Um, Lum?" Ryuunosuke asked warily. "Exactly what is this supposed to be?"

Lum just giggled at her. "It's pork curry, you silly billy!" She set the still bubbling pot in the middle of the low dining table, and popped open the rice cooker to scoop out a large mound of rice onto a plate.

Ryuunosuke looked around the table. To the left of Lum, her father sat, cross-legged. He seemed to be actually looking normal for once (which Ryuunosuke marked up to him trying to behave in front of Lum so she wouldn't be scared off), waiting for his curry to be served. When a dish full of still-bubbling curry and rice was set out in front of him, he nodded in what Ryuunosuke figured was supposed to be parental approval.

Lum set a plate in front of Ryuunosuke. The curry still bubbled ominously; Ryuunosuke wasn't sure if it was because Lum took it straight off the hob, or if it was naturally that way. And now that it was in front of her, Ryuunosuke noted something else: no pork in the pork curry. No vegetables neither. It just looked like a dark red slurry that was slowly absorbing the white rice into it.

Ryuunosuke's father lifted up a spoon. " _Itadakimasu!_ "

Lum similarly picked up the spoon, and said " _Itadakima-ttcha!_ "

Ryuunosuke grabbed her own spoon, warily. " _Itadakimasu..._ "

And then the three started eating the curry. Or, at least they tried to.

Ryuunosuke was struck down at the first spoonful: it was like she had just poured hot oil and ashes into her mouth, setting everything ablaze. Her teeth clenched as she swallowed the mouthful, which was a mistake, as it seared everything on its way down to her stomach.

Ryuunosuke broke into choking coughs as she struggled to breathe in after swallowing the cursed curry. Her mouth was starting to go numb, and her tongue felt like it had grown several times in her mouth. Her lips were swelling up from the heat, still stinging from what little contact they had with the curry. Her eyes were watering like mad, making her vision blur horribly.

"Are you alright, Darling?" Lum asked her, putting down her spoon. She gazed down at her curry. "I tried to make it the best I could. I added in my own special touch and everything...?"

Ryuunosuke took several heaving breaths before she could properly form words again. "S-special touch?" She asked, though her words came out more like "thbethal tobth?" due to her swollen lips and tongue. "Wab thbethal tobth?"

"I brought in some of my own special herbs and spices from my home planet, of course!" Lum pulled out what looked like a small bottle from her cleavage (which made Ryuunosuke wonder for a moment if she usually kept her things in there), and raised it up so Ryuunosuke could see. "Daddy had told me that Earth food was so much blander than ours, so I thought I could give you a taste of home!" She tilted her head at Ryuunosuke. "How do you like it?"

"I can't even taste anything!" Ryuunosuke said, her tongue mercifully starting to deflate enough for her to talk legibly. "My entire mouth just went numb! I'm surprised that I managed to even survive that one spoonful!"

"Ryuunosuke!"

"Darling...!" Lum's eyes widened, and started to shimmer with tears. "You... you don't like my cooking?" She stared at Ryuunosuke in shock, obviously having not expected Ryuunosuke to act this way.

Ryuunosuke groaned as she noticed Lum's shocked and hurt expression. She quickly tried to think of an answer that didn't land her a first-class ticket to near-death by electrocution. "I don't know, do I? I'm just a stupid Earthling, so maybe make something that we humans can eat!"

Lum looked down at her curry again. "But this..." Her eyes were still shimmering, but her eyebrows were starting to crease. "I mean, aside from the spices, I followed the recipe exactly! So what if it doesn't look like it does in the picture? Isn't curry supposed to be hot?"

Ryuunosuke groaned. "Curry is supposed to be hot, but it isn't supposed to be corrosive!" She lifted her spoon from the curry, noticing that it was bending at a strange angle. "Earth curries don't do this!"

Lum sniffled softly, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I was trying my best!"

Ryuunosuke was about to say something in reply, only to be interrupted by her father grabbing her by the arm. She snapped her head around to shout him down, only to freeze in shock.

Her father's face was completely and utterly red. Redder than the darkest red that Ryuunosuke could ever imagine a face getting. Rivulets of sweat ran down from top to bottom, dripping off his face and onto his pants. And his lips and cheeks were so swollen and red looking that if it weren't for the hair, he could've easily been mistaken for a red-dyed blowfish, fully inflated.

Ryuunosuke's eyes flicked over to her father's plate. Empty. Practically licked clean. Figures that he would be the one to dumbly suffer for Lum's sake. Even if that would be somewhat pointless, considering she was the one who was Lum's fiancee.

Ryuunosuke shrank back from her father slightly as he started babbling angry gibberish at her, spraying spittle at her through his swollen tongue. But her father kept an iron grip on her shoulder, trying to keep her still while he shouted at her. Ryuunosuke was left to look at Lum desperately. But Lum was tilting her head, trying to decipher her father's angry ranting.

"Did you at least enjoy the curry, Fujinami-san?" Lum asked hopefully.

Mr. Fujinami nodded, trying his best to smile at her.

"You can't even speak properly!" Ryuunosuke shouted, trying to pry her father's fingers off her shoulder. "Why are you trying to kill yourself to impress her?"

Lum looked between Ryuunosuke and her father, frowning deeply. "Could you two just calm down for one second?" Her body crackled with electricity, just enough that the bickering pair could notice. " I guess if Darling doesn't like my curry, she can just go without." Her frown softened, but was still there. "You can have the rest, uncle."

Mr. Fujinami grabbed Ryuunosuke's plate and shovelled more rice and acrid curry onto it. The he grabbed his spoon and started shovelling more of the food into his gob. Ryuunosuke sighed and grabbed her father's empty plate, heading for the sink.

Lum quietly followed behind her. "Darling...? Are you really going to stay mad at me over this?"

Ryuunosuke didn't even look at Lum as she washed the plate under hot running water. "Why you asking me? Why don't you stay with the old man over there." Her eyes grew harder. "Since he likes you so much..."

"Well, I'm not marrying him, am I?" Lum answered, her face full of concern. "Don't you think that I'm serious when I say that I love you?" She stepped a little more closer to Ryuunosuke's side. "Don't you think you can love me?"

Ryuunosuke didn't say anything, she just kept washing the plate. She still stared straight ahead, hoping against hope that maybe Lum would leave her alone. Maybe her dad would choke on her curry or something? Maybe something would crash into their ramshackle home made out of a storage shed outside the school. Anything, but to have to answer these questions...

The next moment, Ryuunosuke's thoughts were suddenly cut off by a teeth-rattingly loud bang in the distance.

* * *

Out on the rain-soaked streets of Tomobiki, a single figure in pink walked the streets under the shade of a small umbrella. Her mind was awash with thoughts that weighed down heavily on her, engulfing her like the constant downpour of rain washing over her.

Shinobu's head was full of worries, many worries. And many of them were because of the two new students at school.

Ataru used to be only slightly obnoxious and lecherous, and was mostly controllable with enough tough love and constant reminders. But ever since Lum transferred in, all Shinobu had heard was nothing but Lum, Lum, Lum all the time. It was starting to move from a simple irritant that Shinobu thought that she could correct, to an obsession that was threatening to shut her out completely.

Shinobu knew that she had limits, especially when it came to her patience. But she knew she was always able to get Ataru to be mostly faithful to her. But now, she wasn't even sure that she could get Ataru to even stop thinking about Lum. All Shinobu could do was hope for something to come out that'll help.

Then Shinobu heard it: a rising screech that seemed to come from above, getting higher and louder with every second. Shinobu looked up, past her umbrella, to see a blazing streak flying uncomfortably low over her head, before slamming hard into the road in front of her, tearing up concrete and metal all around.

Shinobu shrieked and dove for the pavement, hugging against the wall in order to avoid any stray pieces of stone or metal streaking out at lethal speeds. She stayed there for a few minutes, the rain leaking into her clothes, before she raised her head up again.

In front of her was nothing but dark billowing smoke. It wasn't sure that if it was from the impact, or from the smouldering remains of the burning meteor that was screaming to Earth only a minute earlier. Something in Shinobu wanted to run away, run straight for home and hide in her bed and try to forget. But it wasn't enough to quell the strange curiosity welling up in her.

Slowly and carefully, Shinobu approached the billowing smoke, that was already fading away under the torrential rain and wind. And now, she could see exactly what the smoke was hiding: it was something like out of a sci-fi TV show, the wreckage of a sleek space fighter, painted in tiger stripes. The wings were nothing but stubs and shredded edges, and what might have been engines were now in pieces, but the canopy of opaque red glass seemed perfectly intact, at the least.

And then, with a loud pop, the canopy burst open, rising upwards to allow the pilot inside to stumble out. Shinobu stared in nervous fascination as the pilot looked at her with glittering dark blue eyes.

* * *

"What the hell was that?" Ryuunosuke asked, her head turning to look at the dying light in the distance.

"Maybe it's just the lightning?" Lum shrugged, and plucked the forgotten plate from the sink to drain. She turned back to the dining room table... and suddenly shrieked in horror.

Ryuunosuke spun around to see her father sprawled over the table, his face and throat swollen dangerously, trying to eat one last mouthful of Lum's curry. He looked less like a human than a giant blood sausage with clothes and hair, but he still clutched his spoon with a swollen red hand with fat fingers.

Lum and Ryuunosuke both dashed over and pulled the plate and pot away from the walking blister, dragging it over to the kitchen. "What the hell's your problem, man?" Ryuunosuke shouted, dumping the plate in the sink. "You trying to kill yourself or something? Over curry?!"

Lum stared down at the pot, her face forlorn. "He only wanted to make me happy, Darling..." She looked up at Ryuunosuke, her face creasing. "Even if it killed him, he wanted to make me happy!"

Ryuunosuke winced. She never liked seeing girls cry, and she despised making them cry herself. It made her feel all slimy inside, as if she had failed as a person. Even if Lum couldn't electrocute her on the spot, she was still a formidable person to deal with.

"Look, how am I supposed to tell you that your cooking is literally harmful to humans?!" She said, throwing her arms up. "Any girl in a Home Ec. class would be crushed if they got to hear that." She went back to the sink, and ran the water again, scrubbing furiously.

"Would you at least show me how to cook like Earthlings do?" Lum replied, her hopeful gaze trained on Ryuunosuke. "Since you seem to know so much about cooking?" She stepped a little closer to her, her hands held behind her back, chest out, in a pose that seemed to be suggesting hopefulness. "I want to be the best wife I can for you, Darling..."

Ryuunosuke groaned, and placed the cleaned plate on the drainage board next to the other. "I keep telling you, Lum... Girls and girls can't get married here!"

"Who said that we would be getting married on Earth?" Lum said quickly, her head tilting. "On my planet, nobody frowns on two girls getting married. It doesn't really matter that much. Well, not anymore..."

Ryuunosuke stopped short, staring at Lum for a good long while. "On your planet?" Her head tilted to match Lum's angle. "You mean you have girls on your planet who..." She swallowed thickly, her throat feeling rough. "Girls who marry other girls?"

"And boys who marry other boys!" Lum said, her smile slowly returning. "You don't have to stay here brawling with your old man for the rest of his life, stuck going nowhere." She stepped right up against Ryuunosuke, close enough that her face could fill most of Ryuunosuke's vision. "I love you, Darling. Won't you let me love you?"

Ryuunosuke stared at Lum for a good long while, quickly growing aware of a growing heat under her collar and across her cheeks. In her head, all the possible answers she could have for Lum clattered up against each other, jamming her brain up, amassing one hell of a pile-up.

She knew Lum was pretty, pretty in a way that she couldn't stop stealing glances at, even if it meant that Lum might have gotten the wrong idea. She used to know girls like that, who were so pretty and liked her so much. But they were so quick to put up their defenses once they found out Ryuunosuke wasn't the boy they thought she was.

Lum was here, right in front of her. And she knew Ryuunosuke was a girl, and she didn't care. And she still loved her so much, even though they knew each other barely longer than a week.

And Ryuunosuke couldn't even figure out what to do, or even how to respond.

All Ryuunosuke could do is look over to her father, now sprawled out on his back, and say, "You think we should worry more about him? He looks like he might be dying." And then she'd hope that maybe Lum would stay away from the question long enough to let her think about it a little while longer.

Because, even more so now Lum coming on so strong, Ryuunosuke couldn't help but keep thinking about it.

* * *

"Shinobu!"

Ataru hung by the gate of Shinobu's house impatiently, kicking the toe of his shoe against the pavement. Usually when it comes to mornings, Ataru would be finding Shinobu waiting for him at the gate when he arrived. So when he found the Miyake residence strangely quiet as he got there that morning, it didn't take long for Ataru to think of something suspicious going on.

"If you're not out in the next ten seconds," Ataru called out, "I'm going on ahead without you! Maybe Lum-chan would be nicer to me than you are!"

At that moment the door opened, and Shinobu quickly stepped out in her uniform, bag held tightly to her chest. Ataru grinned and raised a hand to greet her.

"Finally, we can get going now..."

But then Ataru trailed off as another person followed behind her. A tall young man, dressed in a strange tiger-striped looking jumpsuit with a high collar that was open at the chest. Short green hair, piercing eyes, and devastatingly handsome.

Ataru's jaw hung open as the young man followed behind Shinobu down the garden path, passing him by. Shinobu tried her best not to look at him as she passed, or the young man following behind her.

"Don't ask," she said through gritted teeth, "just please don't ask."

Ataru stared after Shinobu and the stranger as they walked down the street together, towards school. He stayed that way for several seconds, gobsmacked, until he remembered that he needed to get to school as well, and quickly dashed down the street after them.

* * *

Ryuunosuke groaned as she stirred out of sleep, the morning light shining in through the window of the little storage shed. She could feel a strange weight on her, something she couldn't place... Until she remembered her unwanted wife.

Ryuunosuke's eyes snapped open. She quickly craned her head down to look below, lifting her head up slightly for a better angle. And sure enough, the weight that she was feeling on top of her was Lum, clutching tightly to her under the comforter. A blissful smile was on the green-haired girl's face as it pressed against her chest. Almost immediately, Ryuunosuke could feel her cheeks starting to blaze as Lum nuzzled in closer.

"Darling..." Lum said dreamily, the grip of sleep still tightly on her. "Darling, don't be so rough... I'll let you do anything you want..." She pressed her face in further against Ryuunosuke, soaking her pajama top with drool.

Ryuunosuke's face burned even further, her lips curling back with embarrassment and anger. "Lum, wake up!" She prodded Lum's cheek with her finger. "Get up! You're making my pajamas all wet!"

"Oh Darling," Lum crooned softly, "pajamas just get in the way..."

"GET UP!" Ryuunosuke shouted, trying to wriggle out of Lum's grip. She yelped as Lum instead clung tighter, her arms wrapping tightly around her. And she yelped again as Lum sent errant currents of electricity through her body. "GET UP!"

A sudden hand came around and smacked Ryuunosuke in the back of her head. "Shut up, boy!" Her father bellowed. "My head still hurts from that abominable mess that your fiancee made last night!"

"Yeah?" Ryuunosuke asked, her head throbbing from the impact her father's fist made. "And here I thought you were enjoying that curry! Were you just trying to lie to her, then?" She looked down again to see Lum's eyes wide open and looking back. Wait, when did she...?

"There is one thing you must know about ladies, my boy." Her father looked at her with his 'serious face' on, which looked no less ridiculous than his more usual expressions. "If you want them to do anything you want, you must make them think that everything they do is the best thing ever." He looked over at the still bubbling pot of Lum's curry. "Look at that abomination over there. I wouldn't use it to tar a roof! But because she made it for you, I would say it was the best curry ever. I know she would eat that kind of swill right up!"

"Why would you even do something like that?" Ryuunosuke asked, trying not to notice the crackle of electricity in her lap, coursing through her body. "What could you even get out of lying like that all the time?"

Mr. Fujinami quickly rose to his feet. "Because of love, my boy. Because they'll love you all the more, and they'll give you more of themselves in turn. And you don't even have to give up anything for them yourself." He cackled loudly, arms crossed. "Just say you do, and they'll believe it!"

Lum slid off of Ryuunosuke, quickly letting her go. Slowly, she got to her feet, her body still electrically charged. "Is that what you really think of my curry?" Her blue eyes were hard, and Ryuunosuke was sure that they might have been glowing. "Is that what you really think of _me_?"

Mr. Fujinami spun around to face Lum, his eyes wide. It was entirely obvious from the look on his face that he wasn't expecting Lum to be awake when he spouted out his little spiel. Haplessly, he looked towards Ryuunosuke, his lips tightly sealed.

Ryuunosuke just sighed and turned away, heading towards the rice cooker. Lum had refilled it and set it to cook during the night, so there was probably some rice waiting, nice and warm. "I'm going to get some breakfast..."

She knew she was going to need it.

* * *

After a quick breakfast, Ryuunosuke and Lum made their way to class. Lum was still crackling with energy, even after frying Mr. Fujinami until he looked barbecued, so Ryuunosuke was sure to give her a wide berth. Ryuunosuke didn't feel like wanting to engage with Lum any further than necessary, anyway. She could still hear the questions Lum asked of her rattling around in her head.

When Ryuunosuke pushed open the door to the classroom, she was rather surprised to see all of the girls crowding around some of the tables, speaking to each other in hushed whispers. Many of the boys stood around them, some of them trying to see inside the wall of girls, while others stood away, scowling at the little gathering.

"Um... What's going on?" Ryuunosuke and Lum walked up to the crowd, trying to see inside. But it was incredibly hard, as whoever it was inside the circle was sitting down, while the circle itself was too tightly packed to see past. Inside, the girls still talking, occasionally giggling or sighing happily.

Lum rose upwards above Ryuunosuke, her head nearly brushing the ceiling, to try and get a better look. She moved closer, peering into the circle... And gasped as she noticed a familiar head of green hair, with a pair of yellow horns sprouting from the crown of his head.

Lum quickly dove for the ground again, crouching low, and dashed over to Ryuunosuke's side again. She whimpered as she looked back at the circle of girls, hoping that the boy inside hadn't noticed her. Her eyes were wide and frightened, like nothing Ryuunosuke had ever seen on her face before.

"Lum, what..." Ryuunosuke said, only for Lum to grab roughly and pull her down. "Hey, what's the-?!" A hand quickly clapped over her mouth, muffling her shouts. Lum huddled in close as she kept Ryuunosuke quiet, shushing her.

"You have to be quiet!" Lum hissed at Ryuunosuke. "There's a man in there who's from my planet..." She looked back at the throng of girls. Thankfully, only a couple seem to have noticed them, and neither of those girls seemed to care.

"You know that man, Lum?" A voice came from above them.

Ryuunosuke and Lum both looked up to see Shinobu staring down at them, arms crossed. Ryuunosuke swallowed hard as Lum gripped her uniform shirt, trying to drag her away and out of the classroom.

"Uh, Shinobu..." Ryuunosuke said, her voice quavering. "How's your morning been?" She reached out and grabbed a desk to try and keep herself in the classroom. "We've been having a difficult morning, y'know..."

"I know," Shinobu said bluntly, "I've had my hands full since last night with our new guest..." She pointed towards the gaggle of girls, and the man inside. "He just fell out of the sky, and he's been following me this morning... He kept babbling about you, Lum..."

At the mention of her name, Lum all but took off, yanking at Ryuunosuke's shirt and nearly pulling it open. "We have to go now, Darling! Before he notices..." Ryuunosuke tried her best to keep a tight hold on the desk, even as it screeched against the floor.

And then a voice called out from amidst the throng of admirers: "Lum!"

Lum froze, and turned around to see the girls part, to reveal the green-haired, incredibly handsome looking young man, wearing a tiger-striped jumpsuit. Quickly, she let go of Ryuunosuke and bolted for the door. But the man was faster, grabbing hold of her ankle before she could make it out.

"No!" Lum cried out, kicking the man in the face. "I'm not going back! No!" She twisted around in the air, trying to break free. "I'm not going, I'm not! Our engagement is over!" Tears streamed down her cheeks and flew into the air as she thrashed around.

Ryuunosuke quickly rose to her feet, using the desk to keep her steady. "Hey! Let her go!" When the man looked at her, Ryuunosuke was somewhat taken aback from the way his dark blue eyes glittered as he stared at her.

Around her, some of the girls sighed in rapture, and some of the boys gibbered, overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of this stranger's face. Other boys shrank back in terror, the sheer threat of the stranger's handsomeness bringing them low.

"Lum." The stranger said, still keeping his grip on Lum's ankle.

Ryuunosuke scowled at the man. "Yeah, okay. You got her now. Now can you let go before she or me make you?" She stepped forward, reaching out to grab at Lum's shoulder.

The man stared at Ryuunosuke quizically for a good long moment, before answering with one word: "Lum."

Ryuunosuke stared at the man, who stared back. The rest of the classroom stared at the man, who still stared at Ryuunosuke. Even the teacher stared at the man, who was still staring at Ryuunosuke.

"Haven't you even bothered to learn Japanese, Rei?!" Lum shouted at the man, breaking the silence. "She's asking you to let me go!" She started to struggle against him once more, trying to get her ankle free from his death grip. "Can't you at least say anything other than my name?"

Rei still stared at Lum for a moment. And in turn, the entire classroom stared back at him. And then Rei looked down, as if he was deeply pondering something to say next.

After a moment, he looked up again and announced, "Hungry."

Everyone collapsed to the floor, knocked down by the weight of such a statement. Even Lum fell to the ground, landing flat on her face, her ankle still in Rei's hand. Rei himself just stood there blinking, wondering what all the fuss was about.

"Still hungry..." He murmured to himself, his eyes narrowing.

Rei looked around the classroom curiously, in search of something that could hold his interest better than the people trying to confront him. When he noticed the dropped bento box on the floor, he quickly made his way over, dragging Lum across the floor with him.

Ryuunosuke reached out a single, trembling hand to grab the top of a desk next to Rei, before hauling herself onto it like a beached whale. She groaned as she tried to get to her feet again, the shock of Rei's stupidity still weighing down on her like a large millstone made of depleted uranium. But as Rei popped the top off the bento box and popped the various foodstuffs inside his mouth, along with handfuls of rice, all she could do was stare in a mixture of disgust and shock.

"What the hell are you doing...?" She quietly approached Rei, slightly wary of the way he savaged the bento box. "That's not your lunch!" She pondered trying to take it off from him, but thought better of it. She didn't want to lose an arm to that all-consuming maw.

"Of course not!" Lum said, finally managing to slip away from Rei. "He probably wouldn't even care, anyway. That's just like him!" Her eyes were still streaked with tears, and her face was slightly grimy from her trip to the floor. "He's just so incredibly tacky, I can't stand him!"

"That's really a shame," Shinobu said as she picked herself up again. "He's a really handsome guy!" She quietly walked over to Lum and Ryuunosuke. "You'd probably be better off with him over Ryuunosuke-kun!"

Ryuunosuke just snorted and turned her head away. "Yeah, right..." She crossed her arms, leaning against the desk. "He might be good-looking, and he might be a real dude. But he don't look like a good catch to me!"

"Ryuunosuke-kun, you've forgotten one other thing." Shinobu said quickly. "He's from her planet, too! So he definitely is a better match!"

Lum glared at Shinobu. "And I suppose that you're the best judge of men, are you?" She looked pointedly over at Ataru, who had gotten back to his seat, pulled out his own bento, and started eating under the cover of a book. "Why don't you look at your own boyfriend? He's started chowing down on his bento, and it's not even eleven yet!"

Shinobu's cheeks started to redden. "What my boyfriend does is none of your business, Lum!"

Ryuunosuke quickly stepped forward, trying to head off any potential violence. "Alright, alright! Can we stop arguing over boyfriends, and just concentrate on getting rid of that dude so we can study in peace?!" She shrank back as both Lum and Shinobu stared at her.

"Lum can get rid of that glutton by herself!" Shinobu said hotly. "And she can get rid of herself along with him!"

The next thing Ryuunosuke knew, Lum had launched herself forward and grabbed her roughly around the waist. "But I don't want to go with Rei! I want to stay here, with Darling!" She clung to Ryuunosuke tightly as the other girl started to twitch. "Darling won't ditch me for food anytime! Won't you, Darling?"

Almost as suddenly as Lum grabbed her, Ryuunosuke felt another pair of arms wrap around her. "Lum, you really have to reconsider this!" Ryuunosuke looked up to see Ataru's face, now forced into a mask of dead seriousness. "You're a woman, and Ryuunosuke is a woman. You can't force yourself to love another woman, that just goes against the way of the world..."

Shinobu stared at Ataru for a moment, dumbstruck. But quickly, sudden shock would turn into brilliant blazing rage, and she stomped over to Ataru to grab him by the arm and all but wrench it out of its socket trying to drag him away.

"Is it the way of the world to put your paws on another girl in front of your girlfriend?!" Shinobu shouted angrily as she tried to pry Ataru from Lum and Ryuunosuke.

"I don't care about your repressive Earth customs!" Lum cried out as she clung to Ryuunosuke even tighter. "I don't want to go with that man, and that's that!" She pressed herself against Ryuunosuke, even as Shinobu and Ataru were practically tearing her away.

Ryuunosuke, for her part, was taking less and less notice of the argument brewing around her, as she had caught sight of Rei's face again. Her heart had practically stopped for a moment as she saw that Rei's eyes were fixed on her.

But it wasn't just because Rei was looking at her: as they remained fixed on Lum clinging onto her, those eyes were going from large and blue to a bright yellow. His lips curled back with anger, showing two large rows of sharp, curved teeth. His horns were growing out from little stubs into long, thin, bony spikes, like the horns of a bull. It made Ryuunosuke think of a beast, and that didn't sound good to her at all.

Ryuunosuke felt like she was a rubber band, being pulled in all directions by several hands. And like all rubber bands, when they get stretched too far, they have a tendency to break. And when rubber bands break, they hurt like hell for the one still holding it when it snaps back on them.

And Ryuunosuke was quickly being stretched to breaking point. And really, she didn't want to snap back on Lum or Shinobu. Lum didn't deserve it that much, and Shinobu was the only person talking sense. And Ryuunosuke didn't want to snap back at Rei, because he looked like he was capable of destroying the whole rubber band factory. So when Ryuunosuke snapped, her target was the only one close to her that was in anyway deserving of being snapped back on.

Ryuunosuke roared in as loud a voice as she could manage, and shoved Lum and Shinobu back, before whirling around to clap Ataru hard on the side of his jaw. It could barely be called a punch, more like a palm strike, if the fingers hadn't been properly closed in on impact. When Ataru staggered back, she shoved him back over the desk behind him, sending him ass over kettle to the floor.

And then she whirled in on Rei. "Get the hell out of here!" She pointed at the Oni boy. "You hear me, you sack of shit?! Take your bento and clear off!" She held the pointer at Rei for a good long while, breathing heavily from the exertion of shouting so loud while her lungs were being squished in by tightly wrapped cotton.

The entire classroom was silent. Everyone stared at Ryuunosuke, retreating a good couple of steps away from her. Even Rei had lost his savage expression, reverting back to his usual handsome face.

"That's not his bento, though..." Shinobu protested weakly. She was promptly silenced by a cold look from Lum, her lips thinning into a tiny line.

Silently, the teacher, having been ignored for so long, checked the clock. Class should've started ten minutes ago. But he knew that nobody had noticed, and he was sure that nobody would've even cared. He wasn't paid to deal with invaders from Planet X, after all.

Ryuunosuke sighed, and looked over at Shinobu. "Listen, Lum doesn't wanna go back to Rei, okay?" She kept her voice low, looking at Rei out of the corner of her eye.

"You're letting Lum _stay_?" Shinobu asked, her brows furrowed in confusion. "Why? Haven't you been spending the past week vowing up and down that you didn't want to be married to Lum?" She glanced over at Lum, who was busy hovering up by the ceiling, out of Rei's reach. "If you let her go back to Rei, then you'll be free..."

"Even if Lum's been nothing but a pest to me," Ryuunosuke said, "she doesn't deserve to be married to a four-star cement block like him!"

"Why?!" Shinobu said, "Haven't you noticed how handsome he is?"

"Yeah, so he's good looking." Ryuunosuke turned to give Shinobu an icy look. "What else?"

Shinobu's brow creased even more. "What do you mean, what else? His looks are pretty much all he has going for him!"

"I never expected you to be so shallow, Shinobu!" Lum couldn't help but smile as she looked at Shinobu, wrapping her arms around Ryuunosuke's waist. "Not when your own boyfriend is such a prime catch himself!"

"Don't you dare bring Ataru-kun into this!" Shinobu said angrily, bringing herself up nose to nose with Lum. Or nose to forehead, as Lum was still upside down. "It's your fault that he's been obsessed with you so much! We all would be better off if you just went home!"

"I'm not going home!" Lum righted herself again, and darted over to Ryuunosuke's side. She wrapped her arms around Ryuunosuke's arm, gripping it tightly. "I'm carrying Darling's baby!"

A terrible silence descended on the classroom.

Ryuunosuke's eyes bugged out, and she stared down at Lum. "Uh, Lum..." Her voice was shaky, and the blood was quickly draining from her face. "Could you run that by me again...?"

Shinobu had a similar expression, her jaw hanging loose.

"I'm carrying Darling's baby!" Lum shrieked triumphantly, her sharp teeth bared in an animalistic grin. "Me and my Darling made a baby just this morning, when we slept together!"

Ryuunosuke's face was starting to turn an interesting shade of blue. "How?" Her eyes turned glassy and unfocused, unable to do much else to stare straight ahead. In fact, it was practically impossible for her to think, her mind grinding to a halt.

"How is that even possible?!" Shinobu shouted. "You're both girls!"

Lum cackled loudly behind her hand. "Why Shinobu, I would've thought you would have been aware, what with you having a boyfriend and all: the power of love makes anything possible!"

Shinobu was about to make a retort about how Lum was obviously lying, but was interrupted by a disturbing high-pitched growl that chilled her to the core. Her head turned to face the source of the noise, and found Rei, eyes wide and bloodshot, staring at Lum.

"Look!" Lum shouted, pointing a finger at Rei. "Now the beast has revealed his true face!"

"So what if he looks like that when he's mad?" Shinobu said, through gritted teeth. "I've seen you make faces like that every time I've seen you at school!"

Ryuunosuke stepped back a little bit further from Rei, who was starting to swell up like he was stung by a thousand bees. "I don't think he's stopping." She swallowed hard, quickly grabbing Shinobu and pulling her back with her as Rei started to not only swell out, but also grow in size. The effect was starting to remind Ryuunosuke of the time that she and her father watched An American Werewolf in London when she was eight years old, which led her to have nightmares for weeks.

In the span of several minutes, Rei had not only grown four extra feet, but had gained a couple of hundred pounds in bulk as well. His jaw stretched outwards, becoming more like a muzzle with rows of razor sharp teeth, and his ears turned from pointed human like ears to something more feline. His horns grew out too, turning from pointed stubs into long curved horns that jutted out in front.

The other classmates quickly made space for Rei as he continued to grow, a thick coat of orange fur growing all over his body as his jumpsuit disintegrated. Even most of the girls, who had previously all lavished him with adoration, were huddling against the far walls in terror. When the giant creature that used to be Rei stomped across the classroom towards Ryuunosuke and Lum, practically everyone else broke for the door, including the teacher, swarming around the walls to squeeze out in blind panic.

Only Shinobu stayed by Ryuunosuke, mostly because Ataru was still unconscious, sprawled out on the floor. Lum pressed against Ryuunosuke as Rei approached, shrinking back in terror as his monstrous face lowered down to glare at the three of them.

"You still think that he's a good catch, Shinobu?" Ryuunosuke asked, pure adrenaline keeping her from screaming in a blind panic like the others. She felt a discarded chair by her feet as she backed up further, and an idea quickly popped into her mind. Ryuunosuke grabbed Shinobu and Lum by their waists, and hooked the chair with her foot, then whipped it out at Rei's face.

To Ryuunosuke's satisfaction, the chair smacked hard against Rei's eyeridge, making the beast's eye snap shut on reflex. The beast flinched enough for Ryuunosuke to lift Lum and Shinobu up and sprint for the door, easily clearing the classroom by the time Rei recovered.

Thankfully, Lum was naturally light enough that she could just slide out of Ryuunosuke's grip and latch onto her back, arms around her neck. Shinobu quickly found herself hauled up into a bridal carry position, her arms wrapped around Ryuunosuke's shoulders.

Behind Ryuunosuke, Rei yowled like an angry cat on steroids, his anguished shrieks carrying on down the school hallways. Seconds later, Ryuunosuke heard the sound of wood splintering and glass shattering, and quickened her pace. She could hear Rei's paws thudding on the floor behind her as she leapt her way down the main stairwell, so quickly that Shinobu didn't even have time to scream when they fell.

Ryuunosuke could still hear Rei hot on her heels as she dashed out of the school into the courtyard, not even stopping to change shoes. When you're being chased by a murderous looking horned tiger monster, you didn't have time to deal with any kind of etiquette.

Ryuunosuke quickly rounded the corner around the school building, and slammed her back against it, panting heavily. Shinobu quickly got to her feet, pressed against the wall beside her. "Is he still following us?" She quickly leaned around Ryuunosuke to peek around the corner.

Lum's eyes bugged out as Shinobu peeked. "Shinobu, what do you think you're doing?!" She grabbed Shinobu's arm roughly. "We've lost him already, let's just go home and leave him be!" She squeaked as Shinobu jerked her arm away, before peeking again.

Ryuunosuke sucked in a breath as Shinobu peered around the corner, hoping that she wouldn't suddenly be grabbed by giant slavering jaws or something. But after a few seconds of peeking, Ryuunosuke found herself seized with a sense of curiosity.

Silently, Ryuunosuke peered around the corner, followed by Lum, trying get a look herself. Rei was out in the courtyard, bent over what looked like the struggling body of some poor bastard that got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Shinobu winced, muffling a squeak of terror. She shrank back, grabbing Ryuunosuke's shirt, wanting to bury her face in the other girl's chest. Ryuunosuke swallowed hard, and peered around the corner again.

"Is he...?"

Lum shook her head. "Rei isn't the kind of guy who has a taste for humanoid flesh. If anything, that guy must have some snacks on him or something..." When Rei rose back up on his hind legs, Lum pointed at what looked like a ramen bowl gripping tightly in his paws. "See? He was just after the ramen!"

"He must've been here for Ataru-kun..." Shinobu said in disgust. "I've seen him phone for ramen before school before..."

Ryuunosuke turned away from the corner. "Let's get out of here, while he's still distracted..."  
Quietly, the three girls made their way to the Fujinami's little storage shed home, and crept inside. The house was still as desolate as it was when Ryuunosuke and Lum had left it that morning. The pot of curry that Lum had made the night before sat by the kitchen sink, still bubbling away, even after almost an entire day away from any source of heat. Shinobu asked about the bubbling pot, but the only answer she got was Ryuunosuke's "Don't ask."

Despite the further insult to her cooking skills, Lum still huddled close to Ryuunosuke, gripping her shirt. She rested her chin against Ryuunosuke's shoulder, eyes closed, and murmured soft affectionate words to her reluctant fiancee.

"You could have just let Rei take her home..." Shinobu said quietly, earning a dirty look from Lum. "You didn't have to step in like that." She was sitting on her knees at the low table, gazing down at the mug of tea that she made herself.

"He didn't deserve her," Ryuunosuke said firmly. "He didn't even care about her when he was looking for food to eat. I couldn't let him take her back to wherever just because he had a pretty face."

Shinobu didn't protest this time, and Ryuunosuke wasn't sure if it was because she couldn't find a counter-argument, or because she knew that Ryuunosuke was right. So she kept gazing down at her tea, the steam rising up from the rim of the mug.

Even Lum was thankfully silent. She didn't even try to get in another jab at Shinobu's own love life, probably because she had no ground to stand on herself. Not while her ex-fiance was out attacking ramen delivery boys.

Ryuunosuke's father rose shakily from the corner that Lum and Ryuunosuke had deposited him in, trying to fight off the hours of Oni-style curry induced delirium he was under. "Ryuunosuke! What are you and your girlies doing here?" He pointed at quivering hand at Ryuunosuke. "Isn't it still schooltime for you?"

"Class finished early today," Ryuunosuke said, "because Lum's ex-boyfriend was busy wrecking the place and scaring people shitless. And Shinobu's here because she's safer here instead of out there."

Shinobu flushed deeply. "And I am not anybody's girlie! Especially not Ryuunosuke-kun's!" She turned away from Ryuunosuke and her father with a sniff of distain.

"She'd better not be," Lum added, a touch of ozone to her words. "Not if she knows what's good for her. Or for Darling, too."

Ryuunosuke scowled at Lum. "Are you always this paranoid over other girls around you?" She turned back to Shinobu again. "Look, we're waiting out here until that thing out there is gone. Then we'll find your boyfriend and your shoes, and then you two can get out of here..."

Ryuunosuke was interrupted at that moment by the door to the shed sliding open. She whipped her head around to stare at Ataru, standing at the front door, grinning his dumb grin.

"So that's where you got to, Shinobu!" Ataru said, stepping inside. "I thought you might had already gotten out of the school!"

Shinobu rose to her feet in panic, frantically shushing Ataru. Lum clung tighter to Ryuunosuke, her nails digging into her shirt. Even Ryuunosuke's father shrank back from the entrance, sweating even more than he was already doing before.

Ataru's stupid grin faded from his face. "What? What's going on?" He didn't notice the growing shadow behind him, blocking out the light over the screen door. "Why's everybody looking so scared?"

In the next moment, Rei's large orange face burst through the screen door, sending splinters of wood scattering over the floor. Ataru was sent flying across the room, slamming on his face on the floor in front of them. He scrabbled across the floor as Rei approached, trying to both get to his feet and get to the far wall, but failing at both.

For a moment, the three girls stared at Rei in numb terror, unable to move or even think as the creature drew closer. Ideas and plans of escape ran through their heads, desperate to try and think of something.

Lum was the first to think of something, her eyes widening, before she turned to Ryuunosuke. "Darling! The curry! Use the curry!"

"Oh, wonderful!" Shinobu said sarcastically. "Maybe we can poison ourselves before he kills us!"

"Not for us, dummy!" Lum shouted. "Rei eats anything that's set in front of him!"

Ryuunosuke didn't need Lum to say anything else. She turned and leapt for the pot of curry, whipping the lid off. She tried to ignore the choking fumes that rose out of the pot as she dashed back, making her way in front of Lum and Shinobu, holding the curry out in front of her.

Rei swiped the curry pot from Ryuunosuke with one great paw, opening his great big mouth wide, before tipping the entire contents down his mouth. His great thick tongue stuffed itself inside the pot, scooping out the last vestiges from the pot, licking the entire thing clean.

After a few moments, the tiger monster suddenly froze in place. His eyes bugged out even further than they were before. And then Rei reared back on his hind legs, staggering back out of the storage shed, and started to wail and yowl as it staggered about.

Ryuunosuke stepped forward, peering out of the hole made by Rei, watching him stagger drunkenly about. Lum, Shinobu and Ataru peeked around her shoulders, watching in muted horror as well.

Eventually, Rei collapsed to the ground, toppling over like a massive tree that was just cut down, a large cloud of dust kicked up around him from the impact. And as he lay there, Rei slowly shrank down, smaller and smaller, until he was somewhat the size of a very large cat.

Lum breathed a sigh of relief. "He's done for now... When Rei eats too much, he ends up stuck like that for quite a while..." She wrapped her arms around Ryuunosuke's waist, resting her chin on Ryuunosuke's shoulder. "I knew I could count on you, Darling. I love you so much..."

Ryuunosuke groaned, turning her eyes to the sky as Lum cuddled closer. Behind her, she could hear her father groan silently, still weakened from Lum's curry. Silently, she hoped that maybe something better could come down from the sky than vengeful, greedy ex-boyfriends.

* * *

"Darling..."

Ryuunosuke grit her teeth and stared straight ahead. She didn't want to look anywhere near the direction of the futon that Lum had laid out. She didn't even want to turn her head away from the TV, which was playing some late-night variety show. She didn't even like these shows, but it was still better than having to see what was going on behind her.

"Darling, come to bed already." Lum's voice drifted out from behind Ryuunosuke. "You must really be sleepy..." Something landed behind her with a soft thump, probably cloth. Did Lum just...

"I won't wear my bikini to bed, Darling..." Lum giggled softly, her voice soft and inviting. "Come to bed, already..."

Ryuunosuke's eyelids were incredibly heavy, only being kept open out of sheer perseverance. She didn't want to share the bed with Lum, despite all of the cajoling and such that Lum had been trying on her. Even though Lum didn't care that she was a woman, Ryuunosuke couldn't bear to think about it.

Every time Ryuunosuke thought about turning around, all she could see was the smile of triumph on her father's face, as she became the man he always wanted her to be. The way that he nearly burned out his throat eating her cooking to get into her good graces. The fact that he nearly sold the Earth to some strangers so they could live on Oniboshi. The face of her father was always there, in spirit if not in body, every time Ryuunosuke looked at Lum.

"What are you even watching?" Lum's voice came from right beside Ryuunosuke's ear, and Ryuunosuke flinched away from Lum like she was on fire. Lum could only blink as Ryuunosuke scrabbled away from her, trying her best to look away.

"Don't do that!" Ryuunosuke shouted. "You nearly made me jump out of my skin!" She pulled herself back to a sitting position, looking at Lum. "I'm not feeling sleepy, alright?! I don't want to sleep at all!"

Lum stared at Ryuunosuke for a long while, her eyes starting to become glossy. "Darling... What's wrong?" Her face creased up, the telltale sign of tears gathering in her eyes. "I'm trying to make you happy here!"

Ryuunosuke gave Lum a look. "It's not you, alright?" She sighed heavily, bowing her head. She was silent for a moment, as she tried to gather her thoughts. But before she could, a sudden impact smashed against the back of her head, slamming her face into the tatami.

"What do you think you're doing, boy?!" Ryuunosuke heard her father shout. "You're supposed to be a man, aren't you? Would any man refuse such a woman giving herself to you?!"

Ryuunosuke could feel the rage bubbling up already. She wanted to get back to her feet again, and remind her father that she wasn't a man, and therefore, didn't have to do shit. She wanted to smash that horrible face into as many pieces as she could manage.

But then Lum's voice rang out, clear as a bell. "Why do you keep calling Darling a man? She's a woman!" Ryuunosuke could see Lum's feet step closer, standing right in front of her eyes. "I'm starting to really get sick of you sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong, you know..."

And there was the smell of ozone again, the crackle of electricity. "Especially when you keep hurting my Darling! Nobody does that but me!"

Ryuunosuke pressed her body flat to the tatami again as Lum leapt over her, the sound of lightning and screaming behind her. Around her, she could see stray lightning bolts strike the walls and the floor, leaving black singe marks and wafting smoke in their wake.

Eventually, the screaming stopped. And Ryuunosuke turned around to see Lum, panting with exhaustion, kneeling on the floor over the prone body of her father. He was blackened and smoking, like the walls and floor around him, laying unconscious but with his eyes still open.

Lum looked up at Ryuunosuke again, the anger melting from her face. "Darling..." And then, before Ryuunosuke could stop her, Lum quite literally flew into her arms. "You're still okay. I was worried for a moment that a lightning bolt might've hit you or something."

Ryuunosuke swallowed hard, remembering how painful that first electric shock was. The ones that Lum ended up giving her by accident weren't as painful in the least. "I'm okay, now. Don't worry about me, alright? I can take care of myself."

Lum pulled away from Ryuunosuke to gaze up at her. "Now are you coming to bed with me?" She wrapped her arms around Ryuunosuke's waist gently. "I'll make sure that nasty old man won't bother you tonight."

In truth, there was still a part of Ryuunosuke that wanted to say no, and go back to watching TV. But as Lum's hopeful blue eyes gazed up at her, Ryuunosuke knew that part of her was fading fast.

* * *

When Lum woke the next morning, it was still dark outside, and she was still in her Darling's arms. The little digital clock radio she set beside bed read 2:45am, in a dull green glow. Her Darling was still fast asleep in the futon, still holding her tightly to her unbound breast.

Lum giggled softly, and wriggled out of Ryuunosuke's arms and out of the futon. After a moment outside so she could do her business-wondering if she could make some upgrades to the storage shed to install proper indoor plumbing-before returning to the bed and snuggling in.

Lum gazed down at her Darling's peaceful face, lost in a quiet sleep. Lum was surprised how different her face looked at that moment, different from the rage and grumpiness that was usually on her face whenever she was awake. At least she seemed to be less grumpy about Lum, which was definitely a good thing for their relationship.

Over the past week, Lum had been shadowing Ryuunosuke, watching her as she went around her day. Respectfully, Lum kept her distance, something that was pretty easy when you could fly. She watched her Darling while she ran the school store, attended class, fought with her father and generally went about her day, occasionally followed by a gaggle of young admirers, both male and female.

Lum didn't like that so many girls and boys seemed to follow Ryuunosuke around. It was like Ryuunosuke attracted attention, no matter how much she tried to ignore them. Her father didn't seem to mind. In fact, he seemed to be pleased about Ryuunosuke's admirers in a way that made Lum think of Shinobu's obnoxious boyfriend. No wonder Ryuunosuke hated that old man so much.

And then, there were her classmates. Lum didn't like how all the boys seemed to be admiring her, chasing after her, trying to steal her away from Ryuunosuke. Lum could tell it from the way the talked amongst themselves: they were so sure that because they were both girls, the fact that their own masculinity could somehow draw her away from Ryuunosuke.

If Lum had her way, she would take her Darling, hop in her UFO, and leave planet Earth and never come back. She'd rather have Ryuunosuke be among the Oni than spend another minute among all these nasty Earthlings out to take advantage of them. Ryuunosuke was definitely strong enough to be an Oni, after all. The Tag Game proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt. And she was sure Ryuunosuke would rather be with Lum's own parents instead of her father.

But she was already homesick after a week on Earth, and she missed sleeping in her saucer and being able to work on her science projects and everything else. She missed her mom's cooking, and she missed bounding over the pastel-coloured plains of Oniboshi. She was thankful for her saucer letting her still travel off-Earth.

But if Ryuunosuke was made to leave Earth, what then? Would she miss Earth the way Lum missed Oniboshi? Would she miss Shinobu the way Lum missed her own parents? The beach and her little Hamachaya, which her father was desperate to build again? Well, maybe not anything to do with her father...

Lum felt Ryuunosuke's arms wrap around her shoulders, and hug her tightly. Softly, Lum smiled to herself. Ryuunosuke had been bombarding her with questions and doubts all the time over the past week, since the engagement formally started. Lum answered the best she could, but most of the answers she had was really just more questions.

Ryuunosuke wanted to know how come Lum was still in love with her so much. Lum wanted to know why Ryuunosuke was holding herself back so much. Maybe Ryuunosuke was right about Lum falling in love with her too fast. But then again, maybe Lum was right about Ryuunosuke being shackled too much by her father's words and the judgement of everyone around her.

Maybe Ryuunosuke had a couple of points, at least. Lum did find Rei incredibly handsome, at first. She accepted the engagement without question, at the very first meeting between them. That lasted maybe less than a week; Lum had dumped that tacky doofus not long afterwards.

On the other hand, Ryuunosuke genuinely cared about her. She cared enough to defend her from Rei, and keep him from taking her back. Even after Ryuunosuke swearing up and down that she couldn't possibly be in love with Lum, she never gave her up to Rei.

Lum curled in tighter against her Darling, her heart thudding in her chest at the memory of that moment. She loved her Darling so much, and she could tell that her Darling loved her too. She just needed to admit it to herself first.

"Darling…" She murmured under her breath. "I'll never ever let you go."

As the dark skies slowly started to lighten up, Lum slipped back into a blissful sleep.

* * *

 **to be continued**

* * *

 **NOTES** : Yes, I'm still doing this.

I think the best thing about this series is that I've realised that I don't have to exactly fit canon around the story concept. I admit that there's a lot about UY that I don't really like that much, but I can just ditch that stuff by the wayside, and just do my own thing. And the challenges I get from writing Ryuunosuke and Lum's relationship just make the whole process a bit more interesting than usual.

So I guess I'll be saying that there's gonna be a bit more coming, soon enough.


	4. Neighbourhood Threat

**THE KEY TO VICTORY**

a story written by

 **DELICIOUS GEARS**

* * *

 **CHAPTER FOUR:** Neighbourhood Threat

* * *

It was an unusually quiet Friday morning in Tomobiki.

Aside from the the various students, awake or otherwise, dreading the start of school, everything felt strangely sedated, compared to the days that had gone before. The sky was decidedly lacking in alien saucers or fighters falling out of the sky, hanging above the suburban homes and terrified onlookers.

But this was not to say that it was entirely saucer-free. One certain saucer hung above Tomobiki at that moment, but at an altitude that most people would not have noticed, painted a bright yellow, with black tiger stripes crossing over the top side. And hanging suspended from that saucer was a strange metal dome.

Lum reclined in her pilot chair, occasionally adjusting the navigation controls of her saucer as it descended on Tomobiki-cho. She needed to make sure that everything was right for after school, when she could finally bring her plans to fruition.

She couldn't help but smile at the thought of her Darling's face. She could only imagine how happy she would be when everything finally fell into place, and she got to see just what she could offer her as a token of her love.

Idly, Lum flicked some switches, bringing up a live camera feed of a vacant lot on a certain street on Tomobiki. Around the city, she had placed several camera drones to keep watch, transmitting their feeds directly to her saucer so she could keep watch on her Darling, as well as anything else she needed, while out in space.

She had gone through a lot of trouble with all of this: trying to convince her parents that it was a good idea, finding out the prices of everything she needed, negotiating with both the Japanese government, the Oni invasion authority, and some of the best and brightest estate agents Tokyo had sent out against her.

But now everything was in place. And now, Lum was sure that no other spanners would come flying in and jam themselves into the works.

Lum tweaked a small joystick, and the camera panned across the vacant lot. Some movement from the house beside the lot caught her eye. Quickly, she focused in on the front door of the house.

Lum's eyes widened as she watched a young brunette leave the house. A brunette she knew all too well.

As if on cue, Shinobu Miyake turned to look directly into the camera, a curious look on her face.

* * *

"What a strange bird," Shinobu mumbled to herself. "It sure doesn't look like any bird I've ever seen..."

It looked like if somebody had tasked a toymaker to make a crow that was supposed to be lifelike, even though he only had experience making cute little plushies. It might have been a good job, and it might have even been convincing if you stood about twenty, thirty feet away. But as it was, Shinobu couldn't help but notice how odd it looked.

The bird stared down at Shinobu unblinking, and cawed. It was a caw that sounded more like it was simulated from an 8-bit home computer than anything from an actual bird.

Shinobu shuddered deeply, and turned to walk to school as quickly as she could. She knew that Ryuunosuke and Ataru would already be waiting for her there.

* * *

Ryuunosuke groaned as she pulled herself out of her futon. Lum was absent the past couple of days, claiming that she had business to attend to on her home planet. That meant that she was once again stuck with just her father to deal with. And already Ryuunosuke could feel it gnawing at her, that feeling of missing somebody, even someone she had only known for less than a month.

After the incident with Rei, the school had decided that Ryuunosuke and her father would be moved to stay in one of the unused classrooms while school was out. At least then, the school had figured, there would be less capacity for chaos that would wreck school properly.

Of course, Ryuunosuke thought that the school board had obviously not known her father well enough to come to such a conclusion. If there was anyone in the school the most capable of such trouble, besides Moroboshi and maybe Lum, it was her old man.

Ryuunosuke settled herself at the breakfast table, already set with a heaped bowl of rice, along with miso soup and some grilled fish, and started eating. But even as she shovelled in the rice, she couldn't help but feel that something was off.

It didn't take long for her to realise what was wrong: her father was sitting opposite her, perfectly still. He wasn't trying to steal her fish, or even eat his share. He was just sitting there, staring at her.

That was enough for Ryuunosuke to go on alert: her father acting passive was a sure sign that he was up to something.

"Aren't you going to have some more miso soup, Ryuunosuke?" Her father asked, in as kindly a tone as he could manage.

The sight of her father trying to act nice made Ryuunosuke step up to red alert. Now she was absolutely sure that the old man was up to something. If she only knew what it was...

Ryuunosuke put her bowl and chopsticks down quickly. "Nah, think I had enough." She pushed the crockery away, even though the bowl was still half-full of soup.

"I've gone to a lot of trouble today, you know!" Mr. Fujinami said. "I cooked you breakfast, I woke you up, I fixed your uniform..."

Ryuunosuke blinked. "Wait, you did what to my uniform?"

"I fixed it!" Mr. Fujinami repeated. "I fixed it up for you, especially for today!" He half rose from the floor as Ryuunosuke started tearing at her shirt. "What are you...?"

But Ryuunosuke had already grabbed her uniform shirt to see exactly what her father had fixed. Printed on the back of the white shirt was the kanji 男 ("man"), in a big blocky font.

Mr. Fujinami was already on his feet. "I worked through the night to do that shirt! The least you could do is wear it!"

Ryuunosuke quickly rose to her feet, throwing the shirt to the ground. "Like hell I will! How many times am I gonna tell you I'm a girl before you finally get it through your thick skull!" She raised her fists, ready to fight...

...and in the next moment, her body completely went numb, like all sense of feeling had left her body. Her arms and legs went loose, feeling heavier, like they were made of lead. She toppled to the ground, barely able to move.

"I thought you might be so ungrateful," Mr. Fujinami said. "That's why I put paralysis power into your miso soup this morning." He picked up the fallen shirt, holding it out in front of him. "Now are you going to show gratitude, or are we doing this the hard way?"

* * *

Shinobu quietly approached the door to the classroom that the Fujinamis called home. There was still five minutes before class started, and neither Ryuunosuke or Lum seemed to be anywhere in sight. It was starting to fill Shinobu with a not too small amount of concern.

Shinobu tapped nervously on the classroom door. "Ryuunosuke-kun! Ryuunosuke-kun! Are you ready to go?"

Shinobu's question was answered by a body suddenly crashing through the window, slamming hard into the wall. Shinobu shrieked, pressing herself against the door, squeezing her eyes shut. She turned to see the crumpled body of Ryuunosuke, half wearing a rumpled uniform, getting shakily to her feet.

The classroom door opened, and Ryuunosuke's father, his face bruised purple, charged out, tossing a school bag nearly at Ryuunosuke's face. "I'm going to teach you a lesson, boy!" But he barely managed to get two steps out before Shinobu slammed in between the door and the frame.

"Teach her a lesson in what?!" Shinobu said, pressing the door against Mr. Fujinami's neck. "What did you do to her?"

"Let go of the door, you ugly sow!" Mr. Fujinami choked out, trying to push the door back. "I'm trying to teach my son some manners!"

Shinobu's eyes hardened, and she yanked the door back, before sliding it forward to Mr. Fujinami smack in the face. And as the old man clutched at his face, she turned towards Ryuunosuke, who had now grabbed her school bag and was walking shakily down the hall.

"Ryuunosuke!" Shinobu quickly ran up beside Ryuunosuke. "Are you alright? What did that ugly old man do to you?"

"Nothing," Ryuunosuke replied. "Just leave me alone." She took several more wobbly steps, before she fell on her face once more. Her entire body felt like jelly and lead mixed together, both extremely soft and weak, but also heavy and stiff.

"You can't even walk," Shinobu said quietly, kneeling down next to Ryuunosuke. "At this rate, you're going to miss the first class." She slid her arms under Ryuunosuke, and lifted her up on her shoulder. "Come on, I'll carry you to class."

"S-Shinobu?" Ryuunosuke's eyes widened as Shinobu grabbed her school bag, and carried her down the hall towards the classroom. "You can't do this! People are gonna see!"

"Then let them see," Shinobu replied, power-walking along. "Who are they gonna believe? A sweet girl like me, or a horrible old man like him?" She gave Ryuunosuke a smile. "Besides, you look like you're in need of some help right now."

Ryuunosuke's face creased, words of protest forming on her tongue. But those words quickly dissolved away as she looked at the gentle smile on Shinobu's face. Instead, she hung her head, resting her cheek on Shinobu's strong back.

* * *

Shinobu managed to awkwardly slide open the door to class 2-4, and carry Ryuunosuke over to her desk, settling her in her chair. Thankfully, Ryuunosuke managed to get enough of her strength back to be able to sit somewhat upright, arms braced against the desk.

Shinobu glanced down, and noticed the large black kanji on Ryuunosuke's back. "What _is_ that?" She frowned as she traced the kanji with her eyes. "That definitely doesn't look like it conforms to the school uniform code..."

"My old man put it there," Ryuunosuke replied. "Said he spent all night doing it. That's why he poisoned my breakfast, too." She pushed herself back up so she could look at Shinobu. "So I wouldn't be able to put up a fight."

Shinobu blinked several times. Then her frown deepened. "Why that lowly piece of scum..." She gripped the top of Ryuunosuke's desk, the wood creaking under her fingers. "I'm not going to let that man get away with doing things like that to you!"

"I'm the one who has to live with all of that," Ryuunosuke murmured, nervously looking down at the cracks forming on the top of her desk. "One day, I'm gonna beat that old fart once and for all. And then I could be free to be myself..."

Shinobu was about to ask, but the classroom door slid open once more, and a voice called out, "Darling! I'm back!" Instead, Shinobu backed away as Lum floated over, a big smile on her face.

"I've got something to show you," Lum said as she fluttered over the desk. "I think you're going to love it!" Then her smile faded as she actually looked at Ryuunosuke, and noticed her bruised face. "What happened to you? What's that weird kanji on your back?"

Quickly, Shinobu explained what she saw that morning, with Ryuunosuke adding in details. And when they were finished, Lum's face turned an interesting shade of red, her eyes flashing electric blue.

"He did _what_?!" Lum swooped down closer to Ryuunosuke, crackling with electricity. "That's horrible! I'm going to make that old man pay for what he did to you!" She landed hard on the desktop, glaring down at Ryuunosuke. "What kind of father would dare to do something so cruel to his daughter?!"

"The hell should I know?" Ryuunosuke asked. "I've been living with him the past sixteen years, and I still can't figure him out..."

Lum's face softened. "Don't worry, Darling. After school today, you won't have to worry about dealing with your father anymore." She slid off the desk to land in Ryuunosuke's lap. "Didn't I say that I would take care of you, Darling?"

Ryuunosuke grimaced, trying to push Lum away. "Yeah, I know, but what's that got to do with my old man?" Her grimace deepened when she noticed the scandalised expression on Shinobu's face.

Lum just smiled mysteriously. "Just wait and see, Darling..."

Sometime before lunch, the last effects of the paralysis potion wore off, leaving Ryuunosuke with only slight traces of weakness in her limbs. For the sake of safety, Lum also trashed Ryuunosuke's bento, made by her father, and brought some breads from the school cafeteria.

By the end of the school day, Ryuunosuke was back to her normal self. And she was gripped by the promise that Lum said very little about all day. She was itching to know what Lum had been planning, and how it would help deal with her father.

But Lum just grinned and took Ryuunosuke's hand, dragging her to her feet. "It's better if I show you, Darling." She looked over Ryuunosuke's head at Shinobu. "I guess Shinobu could come too, since it's right next to her house."

Shinobu blanched at Lum's smirk. "What do you mean, it's right next to my house?" She stepped forward, her face creasing with anger. "What have you done to my house?!"

"Nothing!" Lum said quickly. "Your house is going to be just fine!" She turned to Ryuunosuke quickly. "Come on, Darling! You've got to see this!"

Ryuunosuke sighed, and let Lum drag her out of the classroom and down the hall. Shinobu followed right behind them, a pinched expression on her face. Ataru followed beside her, as he figured that maybe Shinobu would need some support, especially where Lum was involved.

* * *

Half an hour later, Ryuunosuke stood outside a vacant lot, sectioned off from the roads with a wooden fence, and having average suburban houses flanking the sides. The lot was mostly empty, without even the construction materials that usually were placed for the sake of storage.

Ryuunosuke looked back at Lum. "Okay then... Where's the surprise?"

Lum just grinned. "It's coming, Darling!" She reached into her book bag, and pulled out a remote control unit with buttons, thumbsticks and a screen. "I just have to make sure everything is calibrated properly, so nothing gets crushed..."

Shinobu stood in the street for a moment, blinking in shock, before she stomped towards Lum, hands clenched. "You better not crush anything!" She pointed to a house right next to the vacant lot. "That's my house right there! If anything in there is crushed, I'll tear you limb from limb!"

Ataru swallowed hard, and dashed over to Shinobu. "Now now, Shinobu, stay calm...!"

Shinobu quickly wheeled on him, glaring at him. "Why?! You're not in danger of having your house destroyed by some idiot alien!"

"Hey!" Lum shouted, "I'm not an idiot!" She looked back down at her remote control, muttering to herself. "It's not my fault that I had to go with the self-delivery..."

Ryuunosuke sighed as Shinobu and Ataru continued to argue, while Lum twiddled at her remote. This wasn't exactly what she imaged spending her time after school. But the sad thing was that it still was better than having to go back to her father.

Ryuunosuke looked towards the sky, wanting to ignore the noise around her. But instead, her eyes caught sight of something strange in the sky: a large, swirling, dark cloud that hung high above, crackling with lightning.

Suddenly, something burst out from the cloud, diving down towards the city below. As it got closer, Ryuunosuke quickly recognised it as Lum's tiger-striped saucer. But there was something attached to the bottom, a large yellow dome that looked to be about as wide, and twice as high as the saucer was, with six large nodules around the rim of the underside, like legs on a beetle.

Ataru caught sight of the descending saucer, and yelped, pointing towards it. "What the hell is that?" Soon, all three were standing dumbstruck, watching the saucer lower itself down to float directly over the vacant lot.

As the saucer slowed down to a complete stop, just ten feet or so above the lot, Lum grinned triumphantly.

"Done it!" she said. "Time to disengage the tractor beam!"

All of a sudden, the large dome was unstuck from the saucer. And a couple of tonnes of sheer bulk slammed down onto the grass, making a tremendous impact that nearly knocked the three youths off their feet, and rattled windows across the neighbourhood.

Lum bounced up and down as the dust settled, leaving the dome standing squat in the middle.

"Darling," she said happily, "welcome to our new home!"

Ryuunosuke gaped at Lum for a long moment, before looking up at the squat metal dome. "This... This is a house?"

Lum nodded back. "This is a basic three-bedroom, plus living room and kitchen, prefabricated domicile, brought straight from my home planet!" She looked at the dome proudly. "Any young person who moves out of their parents' home would get one of these built, and plopped down at the nearest village or town! Dropping your first home is practically the next step to becoming an adult, after getting your own saucer!"

"So basically," Shinobu asked nervously, staring at the domicile, "this is a built to order portable house?"

"Well, yeah." Lum pointed to the nodules at the base of the dome, which turned out to be stilts supporting the structure. "If you don't like the locals, or the locals don't like you, you can attach the thing to your saucer and haul it all elsewhere. It's designed to travel with you." She prodded several buttons on the remote. "I see saucers carrying these things all over the galaxy. Sometimes there's guys who'd just haul 'em all over the galaxy, never staying in one place."

Several ports opened out on the surface of the dome, and what looked like large, thick metal panels floated out. The panels moved around the dome like birds, floating over to the edge of the lot. On their bottom edge, the panels grew long spikes, before shooting down to stick themselves into the grassy edge of the lot, forming a perfect low wall around the edge of the lot.

"I have to admit, it was a lot of trouble getting this far." Lum said while she watched more floating panels fly in and interlock with the others, forming a high wall. "Back home on Oniboshi, you'd just have to convince the people in a community to be able to put your house there. But in Japan, me and Daddy had to sign forms, negotiate with bureaucrats and lawyers, pay a load of fees... It took me ages before we could get this lot. It was such a pain, I didn't even notice that plain old Shinobu was going to be our neighbour!"

Shinobu turned to stare at Lum for a moment, before she started to snarl. "Well _excuse me_ for being plain! And having to live my whole life in a house next to a place you just decided to drop your dome in!" She quickly rounded on Lum. "You might have convinced the Japanese government to let you live here, but you certainly haven't convinced me!"

"Don't worry, Lum." Ataru sidled up next to Lum, an arm around her shoulder. "Shinobu's just upset that you've made so much noise. She's very sensitive about that kind of thing, y'know?"

Lum blinked at Ataru. "Well, it does make sense that Shinobu is kinda sensitive..." She looked at the hand on her shoulder. "But wouldn't this be kind of worse? I mean, you are her girlfriend, right?"

Ataru snickered a little. "Oh, don't worry about that! I'm just branching myself out, that's all. I mean, sometimes one girlfriend just isn't enough!" But his snickers were quickly stopped when Shinobu grabbed him roughly by the face, digging her nails into his skin.

"I can't believe you, you disgusting pervert!" Shinobu shouted, raking her nails across Ataru's face. "You flirtatious scum!" She yanked her arm back, sending Ataru tumbling across the sidewalk away from Lum. "I'll teach _you_ about branching out!"

Lum stepped closer to Ryuunosuke, further away from the unfortunate couple. "Those two have some issues..." Then she looked up at Ryuunosuke hopefully. "Well, what do you think? Now you and me can live together, Darling! And we won't have to worry about that ugly old man trying to ruin your life anymore!"

Ryuunosuke was silent for a moment. She just watched as the dome extended itself, opening out a large door, a small step-ladder folding out. "A home. A real home, away from the old man..." She looked down at Lum, her eyes quivering. "You really mean it?"

Lum nodded once more. "Of course! Didn't I tell you that I wanted to make you happy?" She leapt forward to hug Ryuunosuke tightly around her shoulders. "Now we can be a happy couple together!"

"Not on my watch!"

Ryuunosuke stiffened, and turned around to see her father staring at her. She stepped back, fists raised, ready for a fight.

"Ryuunosuke, this farce has gone on for long enough!" Mr. Fujinami stepped forward, his eyes bulging with anger, nostrils flared. "When that Oni-woman came into your life and proposed marriage, I thought that would be the greatest day of my life! I thought that would've been the day that I would see my son truly become a man among men!"

He raised his hands towards the sky. "I had put aside the rebuilding of the Hamachaya for you, so you could learn to become a real man, worthy of inheriting it! But then that little devil started talking of poisonous things!" He turned to glare at Lum. "Your idiocy, your decadence... In the end, she tried to shut your father out and make you into a woman, just like everyone else!"

"I keep telling you," Ryuunosuke shouted, "I _am_ a woman!" She clenched her fists tightly, raising them up. "I've been doing nothing but letting you jerk me around all my life! You think that I'd wanna be a man like you?"

"I don't care if you don't want to," Mr. Fujinami shouted. "You're going to be a man! Even if I have to beat you into one!"

Lum leapt back as Mr. Fujinami charged forward, lightning dancing all over her body. Ryuunosuke barely noticed the warning signs before the lighting burst forth and struck her father, his body jerking and twitching as the electricity ran through it. In less than ten seconds, the old man was left a charred, smoking pile of limbs.

"You're not touching Darling anymore!" Lum snarled, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "I've had enough of you and your stupid little games! Darling is mine, and if you don't like that, then go suck on a crested giant toad!"

She turned around, and swooped down to Ryuunosuke and Shinobu, holding out a pair of gold bands. "Here, take this and head inside. Before that nasty man recovers and tries to stop us!" She raised a hand, showing a silver band with stripes of gold around her wrist. "The house will let you both in!" She turned to look at Mr. Fujinami, and her eyes widened as she saw him already getting to his feet. She turned back to the two girls, a look of panic on her face. "Hurry!"

The two girls immediately took the gold bands from Lum and slipped them around their wrists, then dashed through the open space in the wall. As they got closer, the door in the front of the dome slid open with a hiss of pressurised air escaping. Ryuunosuke all but leapt into the dome, lifting Shinobu up with her, before the door slid back down into place.

Shinobu looked around the spacious room they were currently in: whilst it wasn't as big as her own living room, it was still plenty spacious, large enough for some chairs and couches, a massive TV, and other living room furniture. On her right, the room turned into a kitchen, complete with a floor covered in coral pink vinyl, with counters, a sink, an oven and a hob.

Shinobu almost considered stepping further into the room, but she thought that something was missing. But when she looked down, she noticed what it was: around her feet was a line of gaffer tape, marking a border that Shinobu could only guess was supposed to be Lum's hasty attempt at making a _genkan_ for her home. Dutifully, she slipped her feet out from her shoes, and turned them to face the door, before stepping into the room.

"This is incredible..." Ryuunosuke murmured, leaving her own trainers next to Shinobu's shoes. "And she just brought this whole thing here, under her spaceship..." She went to one of the doors, which automatically slid open, and peered inside. "She's got an actual bathroom in here! With a bath and everything! And there's even a _shower_!"

Shinobu stepped over to Ryuunosuke. "Well, yes... I mean, it is supposed to be a home, isn't it?" A curious expression crossed her face. "Just how have you been living all your life? At least tell me you use public baths."

"Of course," Ryuunosuke said, stepping back. "It's kind of a pain to use 'em, though. When I go in, I end up having to argue with the attendant 'cause he wants me in the mens' side. And then when I go into the changing room the ladies look at me and start screamin' like I'm some sort of pervert..."

Shinobu frowned at Ryuunosuke. "Of course they'd scream, you look just like a boy!" Her expression quickly softened, though, when she noticed the scowl on Ryuunosuke's face. "I mean, it's hard to not have a knee-jerk reaction with you... Have you tried acting more feminine?"

Ryuunosuke blinked. "What d'ya mean?"

Shinobu settled herself on the couch. "I mean, have you thought about acting more like a girl? In private, where your father can't see you?"

Ryuunosuke made a face. "I tried a couple of times. But then my old man would just show up and smack me out of nowhere. One time, I was at this local bath, and I was kind of checking myself out in the mirror, y'know..." She made a vague gesture towards herself. "Next thing I know, my old man is there, glaring at me like I had taken a crap in the middle of the room or something…"

Shinobu's expression twisted for a moment. "Maybe that's just you worrying too much…"

Ryuunosuke shook her head. "Not when he punched me out. Or some of the ladies there noticed and started screaming…" She noticed the horrified look on Shinobu's face. "Look, I know that guy. It takes a lot more than you think to ever put him down…"

* * *

Outside, Lum hovered in the air in front of Mr. Fujinami, her arms crossed imperiously. She glared down at the man, putting on her best fearsome face, the one her mother was incredibly proud of.

"Darling is going to be staying here from now on!" She said, with as much authority as she could muster. "I don't care if you think she's going to end up being unmanly, or unworthy, or wha'tcha think else might happen! I'm not going to give her back to the likes of you!"

"You'll be making a huge mistake, demon woman!" Mr. Fujinami said, bringing himself up to his full height. "I have poured my own blood, sweat and tears into raising Ryuunosuke into a man among men, and I am not letting some ugly little harpy take him away because their weak womanly sensibilities are offended by the path of true manliness!"

"Oh yeah," Ataru said, smirking. "That's rich coming from the man who's gotten the crap beat out of him by two women..."

Mr. Fujinami glared at Ataru. "That demon over there isn't worthy to be called a woman! And neither is that ugly warthog that you play kissy face with! They might as well be men, if only they'd think it offensive!"

Ataru scowled at Mr. Fujinami. "So they might as well be men? Isn't that a good thing? If you're always talking about the path of manliness..."

Mr. Fujinami stared at Ataru for a long moment. "What? No!" Then he paused, mulled over the conversation... Then scowled even further. "Stop twisting my words, you!" He quickly turned away from Ataru, towards the house. "You're just wasting my time, when I can go in and just get my son back."

Mr. Fujinami marched over to the opening of the wall, his steely eyes set on the house beyond. But as soon as his body passed through the gap in the wall, several hundred volts of lightning suddenly burst out, electrocuting him.

As Mr. Fujinami jerkily danced back from the wall, Lum quickly went to Ataru's side and clipped another gold band to his wrist. "Here! Now you can come in too!" Ataru barely had time to examine his new wristband before Lum slid her arms underneath his, and lifted him off his feet.

The two flew over the wall, landing on the front step of the house, just as Mr. Fujinami rose back up and charged towards the opening once more. Lum wrinkled her nose, not even looking at the resulting flash of high-voltage electricity and screams of pain.

Instead, she floated her way inside the house, behind Ataru, who dumped his sneakers in the gaffer taped _genkan_ before making his way over to a large couch and sitting himself down. As she saw Ryuunosuke talking with Shinobu, a smile quickly spread across her face.

"Darling!"

Ryuunosuke looked up as Lum dove in, hugging her tightly. "Lum! You made it!" She hugged Lum back awkwardly, then looked past her shoulder towards the door. "What did you do about the old man?"

"He's been taken care of," Lum replied. "Those wristbands I gave you are the keys into the house." She raised her hand once more, showing off the silvery tiger-stripe bracelet around her wrist. "I have the master key, and you all have copies. You'll need them to even get through the force-field covering the entryway, which your daddy is probably finding out now."

Ryuunosuke stared at Lum in surprise. "You mean that he's still out there?"

Lum pushed off of Ryuunosuke to float over to a control panel set in the wall. After pressing some switches, the large screen opposite the couch suddenly came to life, showing a picture of what was going on outside. Ryuunosuke found herself getting a great view of her father trying to claw his way through the front "gate", despite the electricity that kept coursing through him.

Ryuunosuke, Shinobu and Ataru all gaped in shock as they watched Mr. Fujinami get launched back against the wall of the house opposite. And then, in the space of minutes, he would get to his feet, and charge headlong in the force-field once more.

"I don't know if he's gotten a clue yet or not," Lum said idly, watching Mr. Fujinami get shocked and thrown backwards once more. "Most people usually take the hint by now. But he doesn't even want think about giving up..."

"Sounds like my old man alright," Ryuunosuke said quietly. "I don't think givin' up is in his vocabulary." She winced as the blackened and charred form of her father was thrown into the far wall once more. "Especially when I'm involved."

"Maybe the police would be here, sooner or later." Shinobu worried a handkerchief between her fingers as she watched the gruesome show. "They have to put a stop to this already, because this is just getting sad."

"Yeah," Ataru said, a frown on his face. "Usually something like this would be funny if it went on long enough. But I dunno if this was ever that funny in the first place." He paused as Mr. Fujinami fruitlessly charged once more. "Well, maybe it is getting funnier right now."

Shinobu just shook her head. "No, this still isn't funny..."

"Come on," Ataru replied, "where is your sense of humour?"

Shinobu turned to glare at Ataru. "It ditched me on the side of the road for someone with bigger boobs. What do you have to say about that?"

Ryuunosuke groaned, putting a hand over her face. "You guys..." She looked over at Lum. "Can't we just get rid of him? I mean, he is here because of me..."

Lum stared at Ryuunosuke. "After all that he's done to you? I wanted to see him get fried for the longest time." She sidled in a little. "After all this time, you don't think he deserves to suffer a little bit?" She reached out and caressed Ryuunosuke's hair gently. "Darling, don't tell me you're feeling sorry for him!"

Shinobu gave Lum a strange look. "Of course she's feeling sorry for him. He raised her for most of her life! You can't just elbow your way in and smack him down, no matter how much he might deserve it!"

Lum made a face at Shinobu. "I know better than you! I'm the one sleeping with Darling every night!"

Shinobu and Ataru simultaneously dropped their jaws.

Ryuunosuke's eyes bulged out. "Uh, Lum?" She sidled away from Lum slightly. "Phrasing?"

Lum peered back at Ryuunosuke. "What's the problem? You weren't complaining the last time we shared a bed..."

Shinobu let her mouth snap closed, before she loomed over Lum. "When you came down to this planet, did you take lessons on how to be such a rude bitch, or are you just naturally like that?"

Lum glared frostily at Shinobu. "Even if I took a class, I'd probably wouldn't even do it as good as you!"

Ryuunosuke shrank back across the couch, sweat running down the back of her neck. After years of being raised by her father, she could always tell when a fight was about to break out. She could already see it in Lum and Shinobu's eyes.

At that moment, Ryuunosuke let her guarded thoughts slip, letting loose the worst possible kind of thought in her mind: that the moment couldn't possibly get any worse.

And then several loud bangs reverberated throughout the home.

The four youths turned to look towards the front door, which was already sliding open, revealing the crispy-burnt form of Mr. Fujinami, standing there with murder in his eyes.

Lum gaped in disbelief as Mr. Fujinami stepped further into the room. "How did you manage to get through the lightning field? That thing was made to stop an extra-large tiger cow in its tracks!"

"No amount of alien technology will destroy the love a father has for his son! Not to mention that it didn't extend over the walls of the house, either!"

Lum gaped at Mr. Fujinami for a second, before she buried her face in her hands. "Oh, I just _knew_ I should've gone with the premium security package!"

Mr. Fujinami turned to look at Ryuunosuke. "Now come along, Ryuunosuke! We're going home! Away from this horrible creature!"

Ryuunosuke looked down at Lum for a long moment. Lum looked up at her with wide eyes, big and blue; unquestioning and unwavering, full of love. It was like the kind of face every girl she knew, every girl who liked her, had.

She wound an arm around Lum's waist and pulled her close, and looked her father dead in his eye.

"I _am_ home," she said.

Lum's eyes widened, and she started to smile. "Darling…"

Mr. Fujinami's face went bright purple. "You're coming home with _me_ , even if I have to break every bone in your body!" He crouched down, arms out, ready for a brawl. "This is your last chance, boy!"

Ataru shrank back behind Shinobu. "Is this _really_ what a father's love supposed to be?!"

Ryuunosuke got to her feet, Lum clinging to her side. "I ain't going. This is my home." She formed a fist with her hand, clenching it tightly. "And for the last time, I'm a _girl_!"

Mr. Fujinami crouched for a long moment, the purple in his face getting deeper. Then he leapt forwards screaming, launching himself into a flying kick. But he barely managed to reach Ryuunosuke before a large plastic tube shot out of a wall and sucked him inside.

Everyone stared as Mr. Fujinami disappeared down the tube, before the tube itself retreated into a panel in the wall, and promptly closed. For a moment, the room was still and silent, as almost everyone was at a loss as to what had just happened.

Then Lum sighed with relief, sagging against Ryuunosuke. "Well, at least the garbage disposal is working like it should..." She wrapped her arms around Ryuunosuke's side, nuzzling against her. "Now Darling is safe..."

Shinobu looked at the panel that the tube came out of, before turning to Lum. "Um, where does that tube go? How do you dispose of garbage?"

Lum paused, a look of fear crossing her face. "To the disintegration chamber..." Then she looked up at Shinobu, waving her hands. "It should be okay! The disintergrator won't work on organic living tissue!" Her expression strained slightly. "I... I think it won't..."

Ataru just stared wordlessly at the wall.

Shinobu went slightly green. "So there's still the possibility that he might be dead?"

Lum quickly went over to the wall. "It's not that big, honestly! Look, I bet he could hear me in there!" She rapped her knuckles on the side of the wall beneath the panel, making a few metallic taps.

After a few minutes, a loud bang came from beyond the wall.

Lum turned to look at Shinobu, a grin on her face. "See! He's not dead!"

"Oh, well, good." Shinobu said, as if she had finally found her door key. "But what do we do with him? We can't let him out again, after all this!"

"Oh, I can take care of that!" Lum prodded the wall panel, which slid up to reveal a series of buttons and lights. She pressed a short sequence of buttons, and waited quietly as a low thrum rose up.

Behind the wall, several more loud bangs came from beyond the wall. As the thrum rose higher, the bangs came louder and faster. And then, as the thrum reached a crescendo, the banging was replaced with a loud thump, before the room was silent once more.

Shinobu stared at Lum. "Did you just disintergrate him?"

Lum frowned at Shinobu. "No! I just activated a warp portal in the garbage disposal, and sent him to another planet!" She grinned as she slid the panel back into place. "Now he'll be someone else's problem!"

Ataru gave Lum a funny look. "You sure he's not gonna end up suffocating on Mars or somewhere?"

"Of course!" Lum replied. "I made sure to select a planet that supports human life! If he sees sense, he could probably survive out there for a while..." She looked over at Ryuunosuke, her eyes softening. "Are you alright now, Darling?"

Ryuunosuke was silent for a moment. She walked over to the couch, and sat down heavily, hunched forward. She was still silent as she sat there, but everyone around her could notice the tears in her eyes.

Ataru quickly sat beside Ryuunosuke, putting an arm around her. "It's alright, Ryuu-chan. He won't hurt you any more..." He then squawked as Ryuunosuke uppercutted him, sending him tumbling to the floor.

Shinobu grabbed Ataru and dragged him back across the floor. "This is why I don't leave you to your own devices!"

Lum just gave Ataru and Shinobu an odd look, before soundlessly floating up to wrap her arms around Ryuunosuke's shoulders. "It's okay, Darling. Your father's too much of a bastard to die that easily..." She kissed Ryuunosuke's cheek gently. "But he won't hurt you anymore. I made sure of that."

Ryuunosuke didn't say anything. She just wrapped her arms around Lum and pulled her into her lap. As Lum settled in, Ryuunosuke tried her best not to break down into a sobbing mess.

Ataru quickly slipped out of Shinobu's grip, and hugged Ryuunosuke and Lum, settling into the couch next to them. And Shinobu, ever frustrated, tried to run back and yank him out, only for Lum to pull her into the hug as well.

Lum smiled down at Shinobu's look of confusion, and put her finger to her lips. She settled herself against Ryuunosuke, head under her chin, and closed her eyes in bliss.

Now she and her Darling were truly home.

* * *

 **to be continued**

* * *

 **NOTES:**

I figured I could do with adding another episode to this series. As easy it would be for me to just do the UY series with Ryuunosuke pasted into Ataru's place, I thought it would be better for both me and my readers to go ahead and diverge a little more.

Also notable, I think this might be the last chapter for now where Ryuunosuke's father is a major antagonist. He'll pop-up in the next episode, but after that I'm pushing him to the background. This is mostly because I think that just leaning on the old man is already getting old for me, and I got a lot of other UY characters I think it would be fun for Ryuunosuke to interact with.

So brace yourself for the next installment of this, coming out whenever, but most definitely featuring a certain ice princess...


	5. Difficult To Cure

**THE KEY TO VICTORY**

a story written by

 **DELICIOUS GEARS**

* * *

 **CHAPTER FIVE** : Difficult To Cure

* * *

Things have been steadily going downhill for Ataru Moroboshi.

First, he kept running across that himbo shapechanger Rei whenever he was on one of his girl-hunts, drawing away his potential targets. It didn't help that the bastard was still pining after Lum, so he didn't even care about the ever-lengthening line of girls following behind him, like the worst game of Snake he'd ever seen.

Not only that, but he also fell into the canal six times over four days, got hit by two bicyclists, had some weird little blue devil invade his house that he still hadn't figured out how to get rid of, nearly got swallowed by a public toilet and lost both his wallet and the wallet he bought to replace it.

As he walked down the street, having had dinner at the local ramen shop, Ataru was waiting on tenterhooks for the next big disaster to come raging at him around the corner. Moments of still and calm was always the worst, because it meant that something bad was always coming around the corner. And the longer the calm lasted, as far as Ataru was concerned, the worse the next disaster could potentially be.

The sudden wail of police sirens suddenly cut through Ataru's thoughts, sending him up six feet in the air. Without thinking, he dashed down a nearby alley to avoid anyone potentially after him, running blindly through the darkness. His thoughts were a disorganised jumble of panic, a thousand questions bouncing around about who he might've pissed off now.

His panicking was promptly cut off when his foot caught on something, sending him tumbling to the ground. As he lay there on the ground, he took solace in the fact that at least he had something soft to break his fall. But when he looked down to see what he landed on, he promptly froze.

Laid out beneath him was an extremely beautiful woman. A raven haired beauty that couldn't be older than twenty five, with wild hair that seemed to flow down around her shoulders, wearing a slinky purple dress that left little to the imagination.

Ataru could only stare down at the woman's face, too struck by her beauty to do anything. As far as he knew, this woman was right up there with Lum and Oyuki, leaving Shinobu in the dust. Hell, looking at the woman's face, he could even have reason to believe that she could easily outshine both of them.

So struck by the woman's beauty was Ataru, that he barely registered her requests to get off of her until she physically shoved him off of her. He found himself face down in the dirt once more, as the woman struggled to get to her feet to get away from him.

Ataru, being the kind of person for whom not even physical violence could keep down for long, especially when it came to an attractive woman, just got to his feet and went over to her. "You feeling alright, Miss?" He kept his hands behind his back, where he could keep them still and away from her. "You look like you need some help."

"Believe me," the woman replied, "I do not need any help, and I especially don't need it fro…"

Ataru yelped as the woman's voice faded, and she toppled over, only being saved from hitting the ground by his quick reflexes.

"You sure you don't need any help?" Ataru asked. "Say, you look like you're having trouble breathing. Maybe it would help if I loosened your bra?" He yelped when the woman rapped her knuckles on the side of his head.

"I told you," the woman repeated, "I don't need any of your help!" But she was quickly sinking fast, her legs giving out from under her once more.

"Don't be stupid!" Ataru snapped back. "There's a clinic nearby that I could carry you too, it couldn't be that hard to tolerate me!"

"Obviously, you underestimate yourself…" The woman clung to Ataru, arms around his shoulders. "But if you're going to help me, you can't take me to a clinic. I need to head home, to my family shrine…"

"Well, that's fine by me!" Ataru replied, grinning. "I'll get any beauty to where they need to be, off my name isn't Moroboshi Ataru!"

"Moroboshi Ataru…?" The woman repeated faintly.

Ataru just nodded. "And what might your name be, sweetheart?"

The woman paused for a moment, before she spoke again. "Sakura. My name is Sakura…"

* * *

"C'mon, Lum!" Ryuunosuke shouted, as she started getting dressed, tossing her pajamas into a hamper. "Time to get up! I'm not gonna wait for you, y'know!" She quickly pulled on her school uniform, thankful that Lum managed to convince Tomobiki's faculty to let her wear a bra under her uniform instead of her old cloth bandage.

Unfortunately, Lum wasn't able to convince the school board to let Ryuunosuke wear a girls' sailor uniform instead of her boys' uniform. According to the Principal, her father put in a clause in the school rules that required her to wear a boys' uniform until she either graduated or beat her father in a "trial by combat". Now that her father was now no longer a resident of Earth, Ryuunosuke was stuck wearing the boys uniform for good.

Behind her, Lum stirred from her sleep, crawling out of her big fluffy bed. Ryuunosuke's own bed was already made, the sheets smoothed out neatly. Lum wanted to sleep in a double with her Darling, but the nights of constant interruption due to night-time electric shocks played hell with Ryuunosuke's day. So, to her disappointment, Lum slept in a separate bed next to her Darling's, taking solace in the fact that Ryuunosuke was getting really comfortable with sharing a room with her, changing with her, et cetera.

Ryuunosuke quickly went out into the kitchen, looking behind her one last time. "I'm gonna go make breakfast, then head off..." The tone in her voice carried the implication that she would go on ahead without Lum if she could.

So Lum sighed, and tossed off her duvet, letting the robot arms come out of the wall to make her bed for her. Within moments, she had already pulled on her uniform, and floated into the kitchen, where Ryuunosuke was grilling fish in a skillet for breakfast. The smell of freshly cooked rice filled the room, helping to lure Lum out of her sleepy haze.

"You don't have to go to such trouble, Darling." Lum hung in the air beside her fiancée, legs up against her knees. "You know the house can do fully automatic cooking, right?"

Ryuunosuke turned to look at Lum. "If I don't do something around this house, I ain't gonna be much of a wife for you, am I?" She deftly plucked the grilled mackerel from the pan, placing the slices on two small plates that she placed on the low table. "I don't like the idea of being lazy, especially in front of you."

Lum's cheeks reddened. "Darling, do you think that much about me?"

"It's the least I could do," Ryuunosuke said quietly, popping open the rice cooker and filling two bowls with rice. "Since I'm living here with you as your..." Her lips tightened, the words getting stuck in her throat. Instead, she just carried the rice over, along with two bowls of pickles; normal vegetables for herself, and a bowl of extra-spicy kimchi for Lum.

Lum couldn't help but smile as the breakfast was placed in front of her. The kimchi especially made her happy; it reminded her that her Darling really cared about her, even when she looked like she wished she wouldn't. These little things gave her hope that her Darling could love her after all, even if she can never admit it.

After breakfast, Ryuunosuke grabbed her bookbag and pulled on her sneakers, before stepping out of the house. Lum quickly floated behind her, only stopping to pull her own shoes on, and wrap a scarf around her neck. Summer had gone, and now the days were getting colder; the students have changed to their winter uniforms, and the leaves were turning darker and browner. It wouldn't be long now, until Winter came along.

Over the wall Ryuunosuke could see Shinobu standing silently outside the front gate. Shinobu usually walked to the Moroboshis' to get Ataru, but recently had started walking with Ryuunosuke and Lum instead. But then, Ryuunosuke hadn't seen Ataru in days...

"Morning, Shinobu." Ryuunosuke waved as she stepped past the force-field "gate" and into the street. "Where's Moroboshi gone?"

Shinobu turned to look at Ryuunosuke, the look on her face already making her regret her words. It was the kind of expression that she was glad that she wasn't on the receiving end of, and made her pity the poor bastard that caused it.

"He's gone somewhere," Shinobu said, in an eerily soft voice. "Where he's gone, I just don't know." She promptly looked away. "I'm going to school now." And before Ryuunosuke could say anything, she already started walking double-time towards school, her bookbag held tightly in her hands.

Ryuunosuke and Lum exchanged a look with each other, before quickly following Shinobu to school.

* * *

But when the girls got to the school, they were confronted with quite the unusual sight: the front yard of the school was absolutely full of boys, just milling around, as if waiting for something. None of the other girls were around, apart from Shinobu standing amongst them, equally as confused as Ryuunosuke and Lum were.

Ryuunosuke quickly made her way to the nearest young man milling around, which conveniently turned out to be one of Megane's entourage. "Hey! What's going on, man?"

The boy turned to Ryuunosuke, a look of anticipation on his face. "Haven't you heard, Fujinami? We've got a new school nurse coming, and she's a stone fox! A real robo-babe!"

Lum hovered up behind Ryuunosuke. "A robo-babe? Is she an android? Or maybe a cyborg?" She looked down at Ryuunosuke, a curious look on her face. "I didn't think Earth teach was enough for proper cyborgs, let alone androids!"

Ryuunosuke stared at Lum blankly. The boy, however, just seemed to tune her out, as he noticed a flurry of activity near the front of the school. He promptly grabbed Ryuunosuke's shoulder. "She's coming! Form a line!"

Before Ryuunosuke could respond, she was promptly yanked back to stand between the boy and what looked like a fine specimen of the school rugby team. Lum, now fully confused, looked along the two rows of young men (plus Ryuunosuke) that made a path down to the front door of the school. As Lum watched, all heads turned to look towards the school gate.

For a moment, everything was silence. All of the boys stood perfectly stock still, not even making a sound. Just like Lum, Ryuunosuke was somewhat confused as to what was going on. But that was before her ears picked up the sound of stiletto heels on the tarmac beyond the school gate, slowly coming closer.

A tall, raven haired woman turned the corner, and stepped through the gate. It probably would've been an understatement to say that this woman was particularly beautiful. But it wasn't an understatement to say that many of the young men who looked at her were left breathless at the sight. Every single head turned to follow the woman as she walked down the parade of young men surrounding her, little else than a single raised eyebrow betraying her reaction to this unusual display.

As the woman passed by Ryuunosuke, she turned to give her a look that bored into her. It was like Ryuunosuke's body was frozen in place by her gaze. Her glittering black eyes just seemed to bore into her soul, and Ryuunosuke was torn between wanting to run or wanting to reach out towards her and, and...

...and do what?

The woman passed Ryuunosuke by, and continued down to the door of the school. As she stepped inside, everything was quiet once more. And then, seconds later, everyone suddenly went crazy, exploding into crazed jubilation. Ryuunosuke ended up getting buffeted around by lust-crazy boys, Lum clinging onto her shoulders and having to drag her away.

But still, Ryuunosuke couldn't get the eyes of that woman out of her mind. Which was kind of worrying when you've got your fiancée hanging over your head, looking at you real suspiciously. The look on Lum's face promptly poured cold water on any thought of that raven-haired woman.

But the raven-haired woman was the topic of conversation between the classmates, almost all the time. Ryuunosuke listened in on a conversation between a couple of boys during a break, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible.

"You saw her down at the courtyard, right? You gotta see her again!"

"Yeah, but the school nurse? Ain't she gonna be kinda busy all day?"

"Yeah, right! You gotta make your excuses, right? You gotta feign some kind of illness, and then you're seeing her as much as you like!"

"Is it that easy?"

"It's either that, or you're gonna have to slam your skull into the wall or something. I heard that some of the boys here are gonna throw themselves down the stairs. Maybe if they say that some of the other boys threw them down, they could score some real sympathy points!"

"Yeah, but if they do it all at the same time, are they just gonna end up looking weird? I mean, who's gonna shove a bunch of boys down the stairs?"

"Well, I heard that Sadoyama from the Torture Club is volunteering as an assistant! Have you seen the muscles on that guy? He's probably spent his childhood sucking down roids like no other!"

Ryuunosuke shivered deeply at their words. The last thing that she wanted to hear about was her fellow students plotting to hurt themselves to see a school nurse. Even a school nurse as beautiful as that woman who just stepped past her that very morning.

The feeling was only made worse as the day wore on. More and more boys seemed to disappear from class, usually after making their excuses, or asking to go to the bathroom. None of them returned.

By the time that lunch-time had rolled around, almost a third of the boys were still in the classroom. The teacher either didn't seem to notice or care, more concerned with trying to get through his lesson plan than anything else. But all the girls were looking around, expressions of confusion and panic on their faces.

Suddenly, a hand shot up. "Sensei, I'm not feeling so good! I need to see the school nurse!"

"Alright," the teacher said, his voice dull. "Just get back-"

" _NO_!"

The scream was accompanied with a loud crash.

Everyone turned to look at Shinobu, standing in the middle of the classroom, her desk split in two by some tremendous impact. Already, everyone could tell how it ended up like that, by the wild-eyed look on the schoolgirl's face.

"Miyake-san," the teacher said, "please sit do-"

" _NO_!" Shinobu shrieked, making the teacher flinch back. "I'm _NOT_ letting another boy leave this classroom! I _know_ he's just going there because he wants to see the new school nurse!"

"Of course, Miyake-san," the teacher said, in a reasonable tone. "That's what the school nurse is for, right?" He looked at the faces of his students, hoping for agreement. But instead, he found himself the target of the irate glares of every girl in the classroom. "Right? _Right_?"

"You're _disgusting_ , sensei!" Shinobu shouted, pointing a shaking finger at the teacher. "I always feared that you would prefer the boys over us, but I didn't think you would be so brazen about it!"

The teacher tried to smile, but his lips were quivering. "I'm only trying to be reasonable here!" He backed away further, pressing his back against the chalkboard. "If you're sick, you're supposed to see the school nurse! It's so basic that it doesn't even need to be in the student handbook!"

"How do you even know he's sick?!" Shinobu shouted, pointing to the hapless boy, who was now hiding his face. "For all we know, he's just lying as an excuse to get out of class!"

And with that, she stomped over to the young man, and grabbed him roughly by the shoulders. "You're lying, aren't you?! I can tell you are! Show your face, this instant!"

The boy rose to his feet. Shinobu glanced at her face as he did so, and promptly shrieked at the top of her lungs, before fainting dead to the floor. And as the boy turned around, the other students leapt out of their seats to crowd the walls of the classroom, leaving him alone.

The boy's face was covered in boils and sores, each of them at bigger than a five yen coin at the least. And worse, while some were red, others were yellow, purple, and even green.

Everyone gaped in horror at the boy's face, causing an ugly silence to fill the classroom.

After a moment, the teacher pointed to the door. "I think you better see the school nurse."

The boy suddenly whooped with joy, leaping into the air. "This is the greatest day of my life!" And then he slammed open the classroom door so hard that the glass cracked, and barged out into the hallway, shouting for joy.

"I'm coming, Sakura-sensei!"

The teacher blinked, and turned towards his class. "Who's Sakura-sensei?"

Everyone sat back heavily in their chairs. Thankfully, a second later, the bell chimed in to signal the end of class.

Ryuunosuke quietly went over, and dragged Shinobu over to her desk, propping her up in her chair. Then, she turned to Lum, who hovered beside her with a pensive look on her face.

"Hey," Ryuunosuke said, "you don't think there's anything weird about that dude's face, do ya?"

"Of course," Lum replied, tapping a finger against her cheek. "It almost looks like Orionian Hives, but the colours look all strange. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad as the real thing?"

Ryuunosuke swallowed hard. "Is that cause it's contagious?"

"Well, not by much," Lum said thoughtfully, "but Orionian Hives would be pretty serious, because after forty-eight hours of manifesting those big spots, they're gonna burst and spit out Orionian Larvae that'll practically eat his face off."

Ryuunosuke's eyes widened. "Okay, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. Or expected, either."

Lum looked towards Ryuunosuke. "Darling, we have to find that nurse! If he's down with Orionian Hives, then there's no telling what other diseases these boys are gonna come down with!"

Ryuunosuke nodded. "Yeah, I get ya, but how are we gonna have a good excuse to go see her?"

Suddenly, a voice rose up from behind him. "Guys! I think something is wrong with Moroboshi! He's limper than a wet noodle! And he's not moving a muscle!"

Ryuunosuke and Shinobu exchanged another glance, before they both turned to see a group of boys crowded around Ataru. One of the boys had grabbed his face and was stretching his cheeks, while another had his hands and were flapping them around. Another boy grabbed his legs, bending them every which way.

"I guess we got our excuse," Ryuunosuke said, before she went over and grabbed Ataru, lifting him up onto her back. "I'll take care of him! Lum, I think you'd better bring Shinobu, too!"

Lum made a face. "Why do _I_ have to carry Shinobu? You have any idea how heavy she is?!"

"You think I could carry more than one guy, and work the doors, too?" Ryuunosuke lugged Ataru to the door. "Come on, already!"

Lum sighed deeply. "Fine..." She floated over to Shinobu, and lifted her up, arms hooked under the brunette's, like she was trying to lift up a sleeping cat. Lum strained as she lifted Shinobu higher, but barely got high enough to have only Shinobu's toes still touching the ground. She puffed like a steam engine as she dragged Shinobu along, feet trailing behind her, out into the hallway after her Darling.

* * *

Unfortunately, the two girls were sorely under-prepared for the sight that greeted them as they rounded the corner to the nurse's station. The entire hallway was practically packed end to end with boys, crowding around the door into the station. Some of them were already swaddled with bandages and covered with plasters. Some had spots of various colours, just like the boy with the Orionian Hives. Some had patches of skin that were coloured a dark green with hazard orange stripes, and others had skin tinged grey or blue, and faces that seemed to be shrunken.

Lum could only gape in horror. "What happened here?! If these are all boys in our class, then they couldn't possibly be sick like this!" She turned to Ryuunosuke, her eyes flashing. "You don't honestly think..."

Ryuunosuke's face was grim. "This is definitely because of that school nurse. Something about those woman's eyes..." Her eyes went distant as the memory of the dark, glittering eyes of the raven-haired woman floated into her mind. So dark and alluring, like they could just suck you, in like a black hole...

"Darling?" Lum hovered closer, a frown on her face. "You better not be thinking of that woman too!" Her body crackled with electricity as she hovered closer. "Don't think I would fry your sorry butt too, Darling. I mean it!"

Ryuunosuke twitched at the electric buzz that seemed to emanate from Lum's body, the crackle yanking her out of that strange reverie. She shuddered, shaking her head; Lum was probably watching her like a hawk.

The two girls looked around the crowded hallway, and then decided that it was a better idea to just head straight for the door. But as they neared the door, some of the boys advanced threateningly on them, their sickly faces contorted with rage.

"You're not jumping the queue! Get to the back of the line!"

"We've been waiting ages to see Sakura-sensei! If you wanna see here, you're gonna wait your turn like the rest of us! And you'd better not bring Moroboshi in here, either!"

Ryuunosuke shrank back slightly from the advancing mob. But Lum floated in her place, obviously unimpressed. Instead, she turned around and all-but tossed Shinobu into Ryuunosuke, before turning back around to the mob.

"You really wanna try us? Go ahead!" She floated herself higher, the electricity crackling out of her body. "I'm itching to give someone a full electric treatment!" She snarled at the boys, her sharp fangs glinting.

The boys stared at Lum's angry face, and her bared sharp teeth, and promptly took a couple of steps back.

"On second thought," one of the boys said, "if you want to see Sakura-sensei that badly, we're not gonna stop you! Just step on inside!"

Ryuunosuke sighed, and nodded. Lum just huffed, and floated over to the nurse's door, holding it open for Ryuunosuke to lug Shinobu and Ataru inside. As she closed the door behind her, she gave them a smile.

"We won't be long now!"

* * *

Inside the nurse's station, it wasn't much better. Almost every bed was occupied with boys covered in bandages, plasters, large spots of various colours or various combinations of the three. And because of all the occupied beds, all the rest of the boys currently inside the room had to sit on a chair, or lay on the floor. To Ryuunosuke's surprise, she noticed several of the rugby team among their number, mostly covered in spots or patches of green and orange, despite being the picture of perfect health that very morning.

And there, sitting in a rolling chair smack bang in the middle of it all, was the raven haired beauty herself. A long white coat draped over her body, hiding the tasteful purple blouse and short black skirt. One long leg was elegantly crossed over the other, a white pump dangling off her toes as she examined her notes.

Ryuunosuke stood stock still in front of the nurse, unable to move. It was like even being in the presence of the woman had her rooted to the spot. It was the kind of beauty that seemed to overwhelm her completely, like some kind of giant wave that would wash her away. Not even Lum could compare to this beauty...

Then Ryuunosuke blinked, and shook her head again. Lum was still right beside her...!

She turned, and her eyes widened as she saw Lum hovering beside her, her jaw hanging open, and her cheeks flushed deeply. Like with her, it was like the sheer force of her beauty had crashed down on her and washed her away.

Ryuunosuke swallowed hard, guilt and embarrassment welling up inside of her. She really was no better than the other boys in the school, or at least the boys that didn't dare injure themselves as an excuse to see this woman. And she couldn't even take solace in the fact that Lum was equally paralysed, for all that said about the strange nurse.

Ryuunosuke cleared her throat, steeling herself as tightly as she could. "Sensei? Sakura-sensei?"

The woman, who was apparently named Sakura, turned to look at Ryuunosuke with her deep black eyes. Her white pump slipped off her toes and fell to the floor with a thud. "Don't tell me... Is it tuberculotic homosexuality?"

Ryuunosuke blinked. "Tuber-what?"

"Tuberculotic homosexuality," Sakura went on, sliding her shoe back on and standing up. "A disease that seems to effect the mind as well as the body. It seems to be quite the rare disease as of late, until I found these two in my office."

Sakura motioned over to two boys wrapped up in an embrace, their faces pinched and greying. "They've been claiming they were infected just this morning, and have come down with the symptoms just now. I would've just dismissed it as a creative excuse to come here, if not for their deteriorating health..."

Lum blinked. "Wait, you mean they're actually sick?" She floated over to the boys, pulling something from under her uniform top. "That can't be right. How could somebody just catch homosexuality? That sounds like something Darling's daddy might think..."

"Hey, I didn't believe it myself!" One of the boys protested. "We thought it would be funny, but then my bro just started being sick, and now I'm really scared! I don't want to lose him!"

Lum just nodded, waving the little gizmo over the boy's face. "Don't worry, I hope we'll get to the bottom of this! You and your boyfriend will be just fine..."

"But he's not my boyfriend," the other boy protested, "we're just bros!" But his protests were quickly interrupted by a wet, hacking cough.

"Don't strain yourself, bro!" The first boy protested. "You don't have the energy for the tsundere routine!"

Ryuunosuke winced inwardly, and looked over at Sakura. "Look, I dunno about tuberculotic homosexuality, but I got someone here who is practically comatose. I hope that you can help, because no-one else is!"

Sakura looked down at the sprawled out, unconscious form of Ataru Moroboshi, a somewhat pinched expression on her face. Then she raised her foot and jabbed a sharp heel in his chest.

"Well, I should know," Sakura said, finally. "After what we'd put him through last week, I'd fully expected something might happen."

Ryuunosuke blinked.

Lum shook out of her reverie, her eyes wide.

Shinobu jerked awake, sitting bolt upright. She turned to Sakura, her eyes blazing.

"WHAT," she ground out, "DID YOU JUST SAY?"

Sakura sighed deeply, and sat back in her chair. "Looks like I'm going to have to give you a detailed explanation, aren't I?" She raised her head up once more. "Uncle, could you at least be helpful for once and help explain what happened?"

"Of course, my dear niece." A voice spoke from behind Ryuunosuke's ear. "Where would you like to begin?"

Ryuunosuke turned around to the source of the voice. And lo, she saw probably the second ugliest face that she had ever seen in her life. Bald, broad, wrinkled and impassive. It stared into her eyes like the eyes of a withered corpse.

Ryuunosuke shrieked, and stumbled backwards over a chair, landing hard on her back. Shinobu and Lum scrambled away from the horrifying visage, their eyes wide.

Said horrifying visage belonged to a small old man, about as tall as a moderately grown child. He wore the traditional vestments of a Buddhist monk, with prayer beads hung around his body, and a takuhatsugasa- the traditonal domed straw hat- sitting on his head.

"My name," the monk announced to no-one in particular, "is Sakurambou. But I would much prefer if you call me Cherry."

Ryuunosuke blinked. "Cherry?"

"I took the name in the honour of my monastic life," the monk explained. "At first, it may be all soft and sweet on the outside. But once you get into it, it is simply the pits."

Ryuunosuke toppled forward to slam face-first on the floor, along with Lum. Shinobu flopped back weakly to the floor. Even Sakura stumbled forward and had to grab a trolley of supplies to keep herself upright.

"Uncle, stop making stupid jokes and help us with this!"

The old monk just stared at Sakura. "With what, exactly?"

Sakura's face reddened and contorted with anger. "With him! With this stupid boy who I've ended up running across time and time again!"

"He does have a habit of doing that, doesn't he?" Cherry said, prodding Ataru's prone body with his staff. "Though after what you put him through when you brought him home, I wouldn't be surprised if he's the source of all the maladies plaguing this school."

Shinobu struggled to get himself to a sitting position once more. "What are you talking about? Why did you bring Ataru home with you?" She looked up at Sakura once more, her face creased and her hair becoming increasingly frayed. "Don't tell me you let him seduce you..."

"No!" Sakura said, almost as soon as the words left Shinobu's lips, and loud enough to wake the dead. "What we experienced that day was purely spiritual! It was a religious experience!"

Shinobu's face quickly went from red to purple.

Cherry grimaced at Shinobu's horrified reaction. "I think that maybe she took that in precisely the wrong direction from what you intended, my dear." He stepped a little bit closer to Shinobu. "Excuse me, miss? I can assure you that my niece had no unseemly intentions towards the boy here. In fact, I'd think that maybe the very thought would make her quite sick..."

The purple quickly faded away from Shinobu's face, but the red was still there. In direct contrast, Sakura's face was already turning an interesting shade of green.

"See, we had brought the boy here because his unique situation was necessary for an exorcism we were performing. You see..." He prodded Ataru with his cane, causing him to roll over. "This boy seems to be quite unique. I haven't seen a person with so much bad vibes in him in my life!"

Shinobu blinked in confusion. "Bad vibes?"

"He is practically brimming with misfortune!" Cherry said. "An almost bottomless font of bad luck and bitterness gushes up from within! Even his very face has all the features that would bring a person nothing but trouble! Although maybe that's less to do with him than what his parents gave him..."

Shinobu looked away, the red fading from her face. "Ataru-kun always seemed to be so troubled. He was born on Friday the 13th, after all. And it was in April, too!" She blinked for a moment, as something came to her. "I remember his mother told me than when she went into labour, they went under three ladders, tripped over a black cat and knocked over a stall of rock salt during that big earthquake..."

Ryuunosuke blinked. "Wait, seriously?"

Shinobu nodded. "And they accidentally drove through this giant mirror that some guys were carrying across the road, too..." A pensive expression crossed her face. "I wonder if that's just seven years, or if there would be more because it was so big..."

"In any case," Sakura said slowly, and through gritted teeth, "we thought we could make use of his habit of attracting misfortune like a magnet in order to deal with some issues I've had..."

"Ah, yes..." Cherry said, tilting his head back. "You see, Sakura had been a sickly girl ever since she was a child. She was always plagued by bad spirits bringing her illness after illness. We thought that maybe we could use the boy in a ritual to transfer the illness spirits from her onto him, so she could be healthy!"

Shinobu and Ryuunosuke gaped at the two in utter shock. Then the two looked over at the body of Ataru, still on the floor, unconscious.

"You mean that you used Ataru-kun as a guinea pig in some sort of twisted experiment?!" Shinobu asked, her eyes wide. "Just so you could get rid of some bad vibes and plague him further?!"

"Well, to be quite honest," Cherry replied, "it's not like we thought we could make his life any worse. You have to admit, even before now, he's had a lousy life."

"As lousy as his personality!" Sakura said finally. "I'm not sorry about having to unload all my bad spirits on him, not when he latched onto me like such a limpet!"

"Yeah, that's all well and nice," Ryuunosuke said, "but that ain't explaining how everyone's getting all these weird sickness today."

"Well, that can be fixed right now," Lum said. "Lemme take a sample..."

Lum grabbed several bunches of cotton swabs and a stack of petri dishes, and went around the room with them. Within minutes, she managed to collect a healthy amount of samples from various boys, placing the dishes on an appropriately clean desk. "Now I just gotta get something from my book bag..."

Ryuunosuke followed Lum as she pulled her book bag out of Somewhere, and started rifling through it. "You got an idea of how to get rid of all these weird diseases?" She asked, hope in her voice.

"Pretty much," Lum replied, pulling out what looked like a portable LCD TV connected to a pair of large lenses. "We're going to talk to the viruses themselves!"

Ryuunosuke blinked, and stared at Lum switched on the LCD set. "Excuse me?"

"We're going to talk to the viruses!" Lum explained, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Since they're out here making all the boys sick, it's only natural that we get their side of the story!"

Ryuunosuke looked back at Cherry and Sakura. "Well, as long as it makes sense to her, right?" Then she turned back to watch, as Lum slid a petri dish in front of the LCD set, and flipped out what looked like a large lens array. With a couple of twists and adjustments, the little screen came to life, showing an extremely magnified array of ambling cells in the middle of the dish.

"Here we go!" Lum said, as she zoomed in further and further, until the screen could show one single cell, magnified over a thousand times.

In the time it took, Shinobu had mostly recovered enough to get to her feet again. She peered over Lum's shoulder at the screen, and the tiny assortment of cells therein. "Is that the influenza?" She leaned in closer, examining the cells. "They look... upset by something?"

"Sure looks it," Lum replied. She leaned in closer to the screen. "Hey! You there! Why are you looking so upset for?"

To Shinobu and Ryuunosuke's surprise, the influenza virus seemed to perk up and turn to look towards them. The cells seemed to bunch together into a clump, arranging themselves into a handy little group.

"Oh, thank goodness!" The flu virus replied. "Somebody who seems to have their head on straight for once! We were just trying to get to that big piece of prime real estate round about here, but we got sideswiped by some strange-looking tuberculosis cells, and now we have no idea where we cropped up."

"Prime real estate?" Shinobu asked. "They can't mean Ataru-kun, can they?"

"Well, we did hear they were a human male, aged sixteen to twenty one," the virus went on. "We hoped to stake a claim there, but it's all utter chaos. There are tenants putting up shop that we've never even seen before!"

Lum quickly shut the screen off, and turned to Sakura. "Tenants they've never seen before..."

Shinobu's face was full of worry. "That must be bad, if there's diseases that not even an influenza virus is familiar with..."

Sakura reached down and grabbed Ataru, hauling him up onto the desk. "Then maybe your technology could figure out exactly what's wrong with this boy?"

"Well," Lum said, "I can try my best." She brought the little LCD set over to Ataru, pulling out a small cord from the side to stick up one nostril. "It shouldn't take long with this thing..." She prodded the console, which sprang to life once more, and started showing an outline of a human body. Slowly, the outline started to fill in with various bright colours, all swarming and mixing around inside of him.

Lum gaped at the little screen in shock. "This is impossible!"

Shinobu quickly got up in Lum's face. "What's impossible? Don't tell me that Ataru-kun's on the verge of death!"

"He might as well be!" Lum said. "According to my machine, that boy has practically every disease that it's possible for the human body to have! They're just clustered in there so tightly that they're literally battling each other for space, spilling out everywhere and infecting others!"

Shinobu's eyes bugged out. "Every disease? As in every disease known to mankind?"

Lum looked aside at Ataru with worry. "If not all, then just most of them, along with some known to onikind, too!" Then she looked over at Sakura. "It must've been because of you and your disease spirits!"

Shinobu perked up, and turned to stare at Sakura. "You're right! If they all got latched onto Ataru, then they attracted all this disease to the school!" She pointed a finger at Sakura. "This whole situation was created because of you! It's all your fault!"

Sakura was silent for a long moment, her face completely still. Then she turned to Shinobu. "I suppose you're right. But it still felt good to be able to walk down the street without fainting..." She turned to Cherry. "Uncle, I'm going to need your help if we're going to exorcise these demons!"

Cherry blinked. "An exorcism? Now?"

Sakura didn't answer, but instead dramatically shucked off her long white coat. As it fell away, she was suddenly wearing a full shrine maiden outfit, her hair held back with a white headband, a pair of lit candles held inside.

"For the sake of the health of this school," she said to no-one in particular, "I must fight!"

"Well, whatever works," Ryuunosuke said, slowly backing away from Sakura and Ataru. Her discomfort with the situation had promptly rocketed past her limit and punched through the ceiling, reaching up into the lower atmosphere. She would rather get out of the way and let whatever Sakura go along with whatever she was planning to do.

As everyone around her backed away in fear, Sakura drew out her rod of purification in one hand, and a sheaf of ofuda in the other. With quick, smooth motions, she plastered Ataru's body in the ofuda, before swinging the rod over him, muttering a mantra to herself as she did so.

Shinobu forced herself to edge in closer as Sakura performed her rites, inching her way closer. She looked between Sakura and the still body of Ataru with worry in her eyes, hands clutched in close to her chest, as if to hold down the panic rising in her heart.

Then she stumbled back as Ataru suddenly rose up to sit bolt upright, his eyes open wide. For a moment, relief washed over her, and she moved to rush to Ataru's side. But she was stopped by Cherry pushing his small body in the way.

"Don't get any closer!" Cherry shouted. "That boy's still under the evil spirits' spell!"

Shinobu looked at Ataru's face. Sure enough, Ataru's eyes were blank and unfocused, staring into space. His face was completely emotionless, a cold stare coming from near-dead eyes.

"So there's still life in that boy yet!" Sakura muttered. "Time for the next step!"

"Man, really?" one of the boys said. "I hoped that he would be actually dead!" He shrank back when Shinobu gave him a truly poisonous look. And he shrank back even further when Ataru's head turned, to give him a dead-eyed look.

Ryuunosuke stared at Ataru in surprise and confusion. "Hey, Moroboshi's heard ya!"

Shinobu blinked, and turned to look at Ataru again. "Ataru-kun?! What's wrong?"

Sakura stepped closer to Ataru, her brow furrowing. "Moroboshi? Can you hear me?"

Ataru's head turned to look at Sakura with the same dead eyes. But then, slowly, his face split into a truly hideous grin. Even more hideous than the grins than most of the students had seen on him up to that point. Even Shinobu would've ranked that grin among the top ten most disgusting grins she's ever seen him pull in her life.

And then Ataru started to laugh. A high pitched, keening laugh that drilled into the eardrums to spike into the soul. Some of the other boys, barely understanding what was going on, started laughing along.

Sakura just stared at Ataru in utter confusion. Especially at his teeth, because from her perspective, they looked less like human teeth and more like a set of fangs.

And then Ataru launched himself at Sakura, knocking her onto the floor, and sank his teeth into her breast. Sakura screeched, jamming her foot into Ataru's side in hopes of dislodging him.

Shinobu was already on him before Sakura hit the ground, grabbing Ataru by the back of his jacket. " _ATARU!_ I can't believe you!" Ryuunosuke quickly ran over, grabbed one of his arms and the waistband of his pants and started pulling along with her.

"Moroboshi, you son of a bitch!" One of the boys yelled. "We didn't even get Sakura to talk to us, let alone touch her!" Within seconds, some of the other boys ran up to grab every part of Sakura that they can, roughly pulling her back against Ryuunosuke and Shinobu.

Lum stared at the crazed tug of war below her, Ataru being pulled back and forth between Ryuunosuke, Shinobu, Sakura and several of the more healthy boys in the room, with a mounting sense of horror. Quickly, she racked her brain for some kind of plan to save Sakura before she really got injured. But then her thoughts were derailed as the struggle started to loosen slowly...

Then Lum looked closer, and her eyes widened as she noticed the reason why. Something was slowly being pulled out from Ataru's mouth, big and green and fanged. One by one, the various participants of the tug of war noticed the big green demon being pulled out of Ataru's mouth, and quickly started pulling harder and harder, straining against the strange beast simultaneously trying to keep his teeth on Sakura, and his grip on Ataru's inside.

But eventually the monster lost his grip, and Ataru rocketed backwards to slam into the far wall with Ryuunosuke and Shinobu. The three slid down into a tangled pile of limbs on the floor, barely cognisant of what was going on.

Almost immediately, the other boys descended on the big green demon, an orgy of violence with an unwilling participant caught in the middle, only managing to avoid serious injury through divine providence. Eventually, she prised the demon's teeth away, and scrambled over to the pile of kids on the other side of the wall.

"So that's what happened to those bad spirits!" Sakura gasped out. "They must have... fused together and metastasized into a full on demon of disease! That's why he's been attracting all these diseases and making up their own! It's because of that thing that was gestating in him!"

Lum hovered over to Sakura. "Is there any way we can get rid of it?"

Sakura grit her teeth. "Only my rod of purification could, but with those boys in the way, I won't even be able to touch him..."

Lum just grinned. "Oh, then that's no problem!" And before Sakura could do or say anything, she swooped over to the rod of purification and plucked it up from the floor. She grinned as she rose high in the air, her body crackling with electricity.

Lum pointed the tip of the rod at the green demon, still fighting against the mob of other boys. Her body started to glow a bright neon blue, her hair rising upwards as the power flowed through her, focusing into the rod itself.

"Divine Retribution!"

For a moment, everything was still. And in the next, a massive bolt of lightning burst out from the tip of the wand, and struck the mob full force. As the lightning struck, the room was filled with blinding light, and a loud boom roared through the air, shattering the glass windows.

And then, all at once, the light faded. Everyone was left blinking their eyes, trying to get rid of the blinding white. Slowly, the white faded, to reveal the sight of a black, charred spot on the floor, around which was sprawled several unconscious boys. The demon was nowhere to be seen.

Sakura gaped at the smouldering, ashen spot on the floor. "Amazing... You managed to purify the demon on your first try." She turned towards Lum. "How could a oni-woman manage to purify a demon?!"

Lum turned to glare at Sakura. "Are you suggesting that I'm not pure enough?!" Her body started crackling once more.

Sakura swallowed hard, and slowly backed away.

Ryuunosuke quickly got to her feet, and scrambled over to Lum. "Alright, alright! Can we take a break now? We managed to get rid of that demon, so we're gonna get rid of all of those diseases, right?"

Lum nodded, landing on the floor. "Yeah, pretty much." She paused, pondering something. "Well, except for that influenza virus. Maybe they'll just spread around the school, now that all the other diseases are gone..."

Ryuunosuke blinked, then exchanged a glance with Shinobu.

Quickly, Shinobu pulled out a facemask from her book bag. "Here, take this. I always keep a spare, just in case."

Ryuunosuke grabbed the facemask, quickly pulling it on. Then she looked over at Ataru's still unconscious body. "What about Moroboshi?"

"Oh, don't worry about _him_ ," Shinobu replied. "Everybody knows that idiots can't get sick."

* * *

 **to be continued**

* * *

 **NOTES:** I know that I said in the last chapter's notes that the next would have Oyuki in it, but that was before I realised that I might be skipping over a couple of other characters first. She'll be coming soon, though, don't worry about that.

Right now, I'm just getting comfortable with trying to bring out more episodes of this and The Disciple. If I want to keep on being a fanfic writer, I need to be consistent and punctual, so this is just my way of keeping the content pipeline flowing.

More is coming, of course. Oyuki will be here soon, I promise.


End file.
